The Dastardly Diner
by Steven Dalton
Summary: Join Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice Baudelaire in the third installment of Another Series of Unfortunate Events which details their time spent at the Anxious Clown diner. Read and Review please!
1. Dear Reader, Book the Third

**_Another Series Of Unfortunate Events_**

_**Book, the Third**_

_**The Dastardly Diner**_

_**For Beatrice, everything made no sense until I met you; and now nothing does**_

_Dear reader,_

_If you have ever wanted to spend a pleasant evening with friends or fellow volunteers of a certain secret society than you will find visiting a restaurant or diner can be the best place for such an event._

_During their time at the Anxious Clown restaurant as volunteers for V.F.D. the Baudelaires however did not get to spend a pleasant evening or even a boring day while working to uncover the truth, a phrase which here means, "Discover more about their parents and Mr. Dominic's vile plans with little or no success." Instead you will read about snazzy waiters, a famous dish, an abandoned aquatic station and ice cubes._

_It is my solemn duty to write down the Baudelaires story, as it occurred to tell the public, you however could attend to other events; such as recycling waste or mowing two thousand lawns,_

_**With all Due Respect,**_

_**Lemony Snicket**_


	2. One

_**One**_

There is an odd expression used commonly by many people thus making it common that relates to the fact that whatever it is you consume, that will affect your body. The expression can easily be misapplied as many others often are considering on how literally you take it seeing as some people can become offended easily even when you're trying to help them.

The phrase I'm referring to is, "You are what you eat" and as ridiculous as that sounds, it is the idiom that many people use when determining what their meal will be, even prisoners sentenced to life in a dismal dark cell will think about this phrase and consider choosing their dinners carefully, because after all, you are what you eat. It may seem that this phrase holds little or no interest to a story relating to the Baudelaires, but I assure you that it does and I am about to make that clear.

The phrase "you are what you eat" fit the Baudelaire orphans situation perfectly because it had been quite some time since the children had obtained a meal due to the fact that they were always moving, a phrase which here means, "the orphans and their current guardian Falo were busy trying to avoid the authorities because of the wicked plans of Mister Dominic."

And since it had been a very long time since Beatrice, Klaus, Violet and Sunny had obtained a decent dinner, you would wise to presume that the children were miserable in this aspect. Which is another reason why this phrase suits the Baudelaires so perfectly, for ever since they had left the island which they'd called their home some time ago, the children had been moving from one miserable experience to the next; mostly due to the wicked and enigmatic villain Mister Dominic, who's current whereabouts were currently unknown.

The last the four Baudelaires had heard about their arch nemesis he had burned down the Ned H. Rirger Theater, where the children had attempted to uncover more secrets about their past; because they had learned that Count Olaf's parents had been murdered in this very establishment. However all that Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice had managed to discover was that at least one of their parents was connected to this crime, along with a man known as Lemony whom the children had never met but would someday, and also that Mister Dominic's scheme to implicate V.F.D. and Falo as criminals had gone without a hitch, a phrase here which means "the four orphans had inadvertently assisted the wicked villain in making it seem like V.F.D. was an evil organization, which so far Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice had been unable to determine for themselves if this was the case."

So in every sense of the word, the children were quite miserable and it seemed that a pleasant meal would do them all good. So when their current guardian, the evil twin of Count Olaf; informed Sunny, Beatrice, Klaus and Violet that they were headed toward a restaurant, the Baudelaires wondered just what kind of eating establishment it would be.

It had been several days and quite a few nights since they had fled from the ruins of the Ned H. Rirger Theater before the authorities managed to arrive to salvage the wreckage and question the survivors along with passersby who had witnessed the destruction and others who were thinking about going to witness the infamous play of Al Funcoot but somehow managed to avoid being caught in the fire, and one man who was just sneezing a lot; so the children were ready to settle down and find a place that they could sleep in rather than the back of Falo's car, which might I add considering the heat was utterly unbearable.

Currently, the children were gazing out the barnacle-covered windows of a boat at the lake they were traversing and each of them, save for Beatrice; had the odd sensation that they had been there previously. The reason that the lake they were crossing aboard the Fickle Ferry felt faintly familiar to them, and don't even think about saying that five times fast; became abundantly clear whenever they spotted the dock they were approaching and if you have read any prior story of the Baudelaires' unfortunate lives then this reason should be abundantly clear to you as well.

The dock was aged and shaky and made of the weakest wood possible, and above it was a large sign which read: "Damocles Dock" and Klaus, Violet and Sunny noted that the large wooden sword which had once hung in the middle of the sign had fallen off into the lake some time ago. But that, along with the bustling seaside town they were approaching, was enough for the orphans to realize that things hadn't changed much since their last visit to Lake Lachrymose.

As their boat came closer to the all too familiar dock, the orphans thought about the last time they had been here under the guardianship of the grammar obsessed Josephine Anwhistle, who apparently was their aunt; even though as far as Violet, Klaus and Sunny could figure out they had never known of her prior to that.

They thought about how she had built her home precariously above the lake which was filled with hungry leeches and how she had a strange fear of things such as doorknobs and realtors and how she somehow managed to hide a message for them with Verbally Fabricated Design, and how they had discovered that Captain Sham, or rather Count Olaf had wanted to marry her so that he could amass the Baudelaire fortune.

Yet they also remembered the sad fate of their relative, for even though she had managed to escape from Count Olaf, or rather Captain Sham; and had also somehow found a way to make it thru Hurricane Herman and all the way to Curdled Cave she had foolishly ate a banana shortly before the Baudelaires had come to rescue her and if that hadn't been bad enough things came to a front that caused her demise shortly afterward, a phrase which here means "Count Olaf saw to it that Aunt Josephine drowned in Lake Lachrymose."

Most of all the children realized that if they were here again that maybe they would have a chance to uncover clues about their parents, because so far the menagerie they had obtained hadn't helped them at all. Menagerie is a word that refers to a wide variety of animals, meaning more than one; and usually refers to whenever you see animals altogether in a zoo, such as crocodiles, zebras, parrots, rhinoceros, hippos, chimpanzees, bats, tigers, lions, bears, and so on.

But here I am using this word in a different sense, in particular to describe the variety of clues that the Baudelaires had found. It was as if they had obtained pieces of a puzzle, yet they didn't have the display box so they had no idea how they fit together or what the picture was that they were trying to create, and if you have ever attempted this activity then you know that it can be frustrating even when you do have the picture.

Klaus, Sunny, Beatrice and Violet had found an aged photograph in the Very Fine Dwelling that depicted their parents along with two other individuals whom they had identified as Count Olaf and their current adversary, Mister Dominic.

Yet they had no idea what this picture meant or why it had been in a nearly burnt photo album in their former home, and the message which had been written in a language unknown to the children was now gone forever due to a particularly terrible event involving water that I don't care to recount.

They had also discovered many shocking truths, such as the fact that Mister Dominic might not always have been evil, or that their parents might not have always been noble; and this was sadly confirmed whenever they found a document in the Ned H. Rirger Theater revealing that at least one of their parents had been involved in murder. But perhaps the most unsettling clue that Klaus, Sunny and Violet had found was the most recent one given to them by the last living member of Count Olaf's troupe, right before their untimely death. The powder-faced woman had given Violet a small slip of paper where she had hastily scrawled a message for the Baudelaires; two words which now perplexed the children more than anything they'd dealt with before. The words were:

_**Find Lemony**_

Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice had heard this name several times before, mostly by Mister Dominic himself; and also because of a program they had obtained from a play that Lemony apparently wrote. But so far, they had presumed that he was dead, especially when all evidence suggested this was the case. Mostly because the Baudelaires' mother had considered naming Violet Lemony had she turned out to be a boy because of a tradition that members of V.F.D. had performed since the schism, that of naming their child after someone important who died.

So since the Baudelaires' mother was going to do this, it seemed only logical that Lemony had died at some point in the past, but now according to the powder-faced woman this wasn't the case at all. All of these thoughts and many were rushed thru the children's minds as their ferry landed at Domiciles Dock and Falo gathered their bags before commenting, "If I'm not mistaken, you three have been here before; but for you Beatrice it would be the first time."

"That's right, on the trip over we were just thinking about-" Violet began but was quickly interrupted whenever their current guardian remarked, "It seems like only yesterday that volunteers were on these shores fishing merrily in Varnished Floatation Dinghies before the incident occurred." "The schism?" Klaus guessed, wondering what event in V.F.D.'s past hadn't been touched by this event. "Oh no Klaus, the schism wasn't until later. It was Ike and Gregor who made the fatal mistake of experimenting on the leeches," Falo answered and then placed the bags down and said, "Children please get the rest of our luggage while I call for a taxi."

The four siblings looked at each other in confusion, curious to know more about the story that their current guardian was about to tell and also eager to find out where they were going to eat. If you have ever visited the seaside port of Lake Lachrymose than I'm sure you know as well as I do that there is only one restaurant in the town that ever makes any business and that is mostly because it is the only one restaurant in town.

So as Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice took the last of their luggage off of the Fickle Ferry; which by the way had still not fixed the problem with their engines and thus still spewed black smoke into the sky above, they thought of fabulous dishes that they wanted.

Sunny thought about eating fresh chicken noodle soup with a side of olives and carrots and Klaus thought about drinking some orange juice with a steak and some mash potatoes with brown gravy, then Violet considered eating macaroni and cheese and pickles and relish, whereas Beatrice considered apple sauce and oats; seeing as she was still an infant and couldn't consume the same size portions as her siblings. And just the thought of this food made the children realize how famished they were, so they hastily gathered their things and put them in the trunk of the cab before joining Falo who had already given their destination to the driver.

"It's a pity that we had to leave my car back at our last stop, but I think that the authorities had figured out what kind of vehicle I was driving," their guardian explained as he scrunched up in the backseat alongside the orphans. "Falo are you sure its wise to be talking about such matters?" Klaus wondered and then pointed at the article he'd been reading during their crossing of Lake Lachrymose. It was the front page of _The Daily Punctilio_ and below the words "All the News In Fits of Print" read the headliner, a word which here means "the article that was on the front page of _The Daily Punctilio_ below the words "All the News In Fits of Print" which said in bold large letters,

**_Veronica, Klyde, Susie and unknown Fourth Baudelaire at Large Again!_**

"People might recognize us out in the open," Klaus explained. Falo scoffed at this and remarked, "For one thing that pretentious newspaper can never keep you children's names straight; and not everyone believes what they read, Klaus." "Still, didn't we have to abandon your vehicle because the authorities believed Mister Dominic?" Sunny pointed out.

"Mister Dominic is a wicked individual who is aspiring to spread his wickedness, it comes as no surprise that he would use the authorities and trick them," Falo replied and then everyone noted that the taxi had come to a halt, so their current guardian said, "Let's not worry about any villains or volunteers right now, Baudelaires. I am quite famished, aren't you?"

For once the four siblings agreed with the evil twin of Count Olaf and they got out of the taxi and Sunny was told to pay the driver, who looked vaguely familiar to her. "Don't I know you from somewhere?" the former toddler wondered. "I'm sure you do," he said with a nod and then took the toll and winked at Sunny before driving off.

Sunny scratched her head, wondering what that was all about; as I'm sure you are as well, but seeing as neither you nor the former infant will obtain an answer anytime soon I would suggest you stop scratching your head and move on in the story seeing as not doing so could result in you losing all your hair. Sunny turned to follow her siblings toward the restaurant that Falo had chosen to dine in, and then along with Klaus and Violet groaned whenever she realized that their current guardian had taken them to the one restaurant they were not eager to return to, seeing as it was the only restaurant in town, the Anxious Clown Restaurant.

Following Falo inside the diner, Klaus kept Beatrice in his arms whilst his sisters immediately smelled the grease from the back in the kitchen and they wondered if Falo was really considering eating here even if it was the only restaurant in town.

"Hello there, one and all; I'll be your waiter today, my name is Larry," Larry, the Baudelaire orphans' waiter told them and then gazed at Falo and nodded again before commenting, "I can see you have the whole family lunching together today, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family appetizer. It's a bunch of things fried up together and served with sauce."

"What a wonderful idea," Falo said, smiling and turning to the Baudelaires before adding, "Lets get to our booth." "Did you notice that this place was for sale?" Violet commented to her brother.

"It doesn't surprise me, they have nothing good to eat here," Klaus replied. "But did you see who the realtor was?" she asked and then pointed toward the sign which was now backwards to the Baudelaires. The middle orphan turned to glance at it and said, "It says Easy Residential Transactions, why do you ask?" Violet rolled her eyes to show that she was disappointed in Klaus and said, "The initials! ERT!"

Klaus' eyes widened as he recalled the mysterious invitation the Baudelaires had obtained while at the Ned H. Rirger Theater and then mumbled, "Do you suppose it's a coincidence?" Before his sister got a chance to respond, Falo called out, "Children are you coming?" They all hurried to the booth that their guardian had chosen to sit in and waited for Larry, their waiter; to return.

Once he had, Falo mumbled something to him that the Baudelaires weren't able to hear, to which the skinny man in the clown costume answered, "I'm afraid that's not on the menu." "I don't suppose I could ask for another waiter?" Falo wondered. Larry nodded mildly and rushed off to the kitchen, and soon in his place came a short blonde woman who had tied her hair back into a ponytail.

Falo asked her something as well, and whenever he didn't get the answer he wanted; turned her away and then gazed at the Baudelaires in concern. "Is something the matter?" Violet asked. "Absolutely," Falo answered.

"Isthada!" Beatrice cried out which probably meant, "Our current guardian is acting stranger than usual!" or perhaps, "I agree! Nothing on this menu is worth eating!" "What is wrong Falo?" Klaus asked. "This diner is supposed to be owned by volunteers loyal to V.F.D. yet both of those waiters weren't able to properly answer my code that I spoke to them using Vocal Fluctuation Dialect," Falo said with a frown. "Maybe they're new to the Anxious Clown Restaurant?" Sunny suggested.

"No every employee here is supposed to be a noble volunteer, it's the reason I chose to dine here, you see," their current guardian explained and then added, "I fear that something foul is a foot here at the Anxious Clown diner." "So what do we do?" Violet asked in concern. "The only thing that we can do, Baudelaires," Falo answered as if it were obvious, "It looks like we'll have to stay and sort this out."

**_More is on the menu for the Baudelaires! Stay tuned! Hopefully every seven days I'll have a chapter up. read, review and share, please!_**


	3. Two

_**Author's note: long plane trips give ample time for typing Snicket! :] I'm headed to be with family for the weekend, so I decided to give a special treat by typing two chapters of this story. **_

_**I'll probably be busy for awhile, I need time to refuel the old noggin; but I'll be back don't worry. Also, check out my other story, Bad Blood; and please read the first chapter. I would appreciate the reviews, I always appreciate the ones I have gotten and would really like more! **_

_**Special shoutout to member sliz225 who helped me with a continuity error in the second story! Thanks again! Anyways, here's chapter two!**_

_**Two**_

There are a number of places that I would recommend taking a family member or a date or even an enemy to if you were to consider eating at such an establishment in the hopes of catching up with your relatives or wooing a fine young woman you were fond of or going over the newest treaty between your two sides of a splintered organization and none of them reside anywhere near to Lake Lachrymose.

One of them might be the Café Kafka that sits only a few blocks away from a snazzy up rise in the city the Baudelaires once called home and I am particularly fond of this one because they serve root beer which is one of my favorite drinks, and the reason I am thinking of it right now is because I am sitting inside penning these words and also trying to decide whether or not the patron sitting in the booth opposite of me is a villain or a volunteer, but seeing as I have already obtained my root beer I feel that such an inquiry is probably unnecessary.

In any case, the Café Kafka is a wonderful place to spend your time if you ever have the need to eat and it is certainly better than the Anxious Clown, and I can also say this from experience because I have been forced to eat there several times in the past to try and obtain some coded message from a volunteer, only in haste to recall that it was currently controlled by my enemies and so stayed outside and waited for further instructions or went to Hazy Harbor to watch the sunset.

So when Falo announced to the children that they weren't about to leave Lake Lachrymose, perhaps to catch up with their wicked adversary, Mister Dominic; all of the orphans were actually in complete agreement with this decision. This may come to you as quite a shock for as I have already mentioned the food here in this deplorable diner, a word which here means "not good at my all dear brother, and I really wish you had gone to investigate somewhere else instead but sadly you didn't listen to me and now you are dead", is no good at all and shouldn't even be served to be people on death row since even they know you are what you eat.

But the reason that Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice choose to side with their current guardian was because of the mysterious sign on the side of the diner whenever they'd arrived, a placard that Violet believed was connected in someway to the invitation the Baudelaires had received at the Ned H. Rirger Theater.

The sign explained the Anxious Clown diner was being sold by Easy Residential Transactions and the eldest Baudelaire had no way of verifying it, but only suspected; and might I add, incorrectly, that the initials were somehow connected to something known as ERT. Falo went to the front of the restaurant, where the young blonde woman who had served him was trying to wait on incoming customers and he stated, "Is your manager here?"

"I'm afraid Gustav isn't right now sir, but I am the assistant manager," she replied with a smile to show all of her perfectly brilliant teeth. "I wish to inquire about purchasing this diner, whom do I need to talk to?" Falo asked.

Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice kept silent as the evil twin of Count Olaf talked to the hostess, each also dreading the words that their guardian had just spoken. For if Falo intended to buy the Anxious Clown diner, that probably meant that he wanted the Baudelaires to work in it. Still, the children didn't want to pass up the opportunity to learn more about ERT, so they waited as the waitress finished seating the latest customers and then returned to speak to Falo.

"You're interested in buying this establishment?" she asked in surprise. "That's right, I have always been a believer in fast food," Falo answered, which didn't really explain the reason he was interested at all. The girl nodded and said, "Well if you want to you can follow me and we can sign the contract right now! We desperately need new management."

"Baudelaires, I will be right back," their guardian told them and then followed after the blonde haired girl into the back of the diner. Once they were alone, Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice took the opportunity to discuss amongst themselves everything that had happened to them recently. "I wonder which direction Mister Dominic went whenever he left the theater," Klaus remarked.

"What difference does that make? I don't want that vile man anywhere near us," Violet replied and then added, "I was wondering about the significance of this café being for sale by Easy Residential Transactions, I'm almost positive it has something to do with the invitation we received at the theater."

"I was wondering what Falo told the waiters that made him decide they were not noble individuals," Sunny remarked. "The reason I was wondering where Mister Dominic was is because of the conversation that Beatrice eavesdropped on before Esmé's death.

The troupe member who looked neither like a man nor a woman talked about the need for them to depart to somewhere called 'the mark' and that someone would be waiting for them there," Klaus answered.

"He's caused nothing but trouble for us since we met him," Sunny pointed out. "But he also helped us realize that not all noble people have always been that way," her brother pointed out. "That is something I would've preferred to not learn of," Violet remarked, recalling the discovery of the murder their parents were apparently connected to.

"Either way, we need to know more and we just don't have enough answers," Klaus lamented. Just then, the young blonde woman and Falo returned and their current guardian was holding a piece of paper in his hands and smiling broadly before explaining, "I have good news! We are now the proud owners of the Anxious Clown diner!" Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice tried to pretend that they were also excited because of this and then he muttered, "Only problem is now we'll have to talk to some realtors to find a place to stay while we're here at Lake Lachrymose."

"Oh, you can stay at my house," the waitress offered and explained, "Its right up the street, I live in Lavender Lighthouse."

"I didn't realize this was a sad occasion," Falo replied, gazing at her once more to which she looked down at the Baudelaires and replied, "Sadness isn't set by the occasion."

The evil twin of Count Olaf seemed to nod as if she had said the right thing and then said, "I suppose while we are here, the children should get to know the restaurant." "Absolutely," she agreed and pointed toward the kitchen before stating, "If I could just have your names I can make some name badges for you."

"Not necessary," Falo stated reaching into his pocket and pulling out the three name badges that Klaus had found some time ago under mysterious circumstances. "These should suffice, am I correct?" their current guardian asked. The young woman looked them over and asked, "Where did you get these?" "It's hard to explain," Klaus admitted. "What matters is these allow these four children to qualify as volunteers of this establishment," Falo answered.

"There are only three name badges here," she noted gazing down at Beatrice and asking, "What is your name?" "Her name is Beatrice and she is our adopted sister," Violet explained picking up the infant who added, "Asya." Which probably meant "you haven't told us your name" or perhaps "I still haven't gotten anything to eat."

The young hostess nodded and said, "Very good, just head in there and Larry will give you some uniforms that you'll be wearing while you work here at the Anxious Clown." Falo winked at the children as they passed him, although none of them were sure why he did. As they entered the small kitchen of the diner, Larry; their former waiter stared at them and remarked, "Isn't this grand? We just got hired by new management and now I have to train a bunch of children to a job I could do with one hand tied behind my back."

The four orphans immediately realized that this waiter wasn't too pleased with the events that had just taken place and so wisely Violet said, "We have plenty of experience working with food. My sister is a fabulous cook." She pointed toward Sunny who nodded in agreement before stating, "I love to make up new recipes."

"Well you won't be doing that in this diner, its going to be the same old thing that we always serve whether its Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers or Fraudulent French Fries," Larry replied and added, "Your uniforms are over there, and I'm too busy helping customers to help you." Even though he had been no help at all, Violet told the waiter thank you as he rushed off to fill orders and then gazed at the diner's kitchen and said, "It doesn't look like there is a lot of space to work in."

"Right now lets get these uniforms on, so we can get to work," Klaus suggested. "I thought we were here to uncover clues," Sunny remarked. "Yes but the only way we can do that is covertly," Violet pointed out and quickly added, "Let's not forget that the authorities are out searching for us as we speak."

The former toddler couldn't argue with this point, so the four of them got the uniforms which were admittedly entirely too big and Klaus briefly thought that considering the size of the outfit him and Violet could disguise themselves as Beverly and Elliot the two-headed freak, which they had done twice before both times without success.

So instead, the children did what they could wearing the oversized uniforms, all except for Beatrice who was still an infant and wouldn't fit in one besides the fact that there only three uniforms to begin with. Just as they finished changing out of their normal clothes, the bell on the counter rung and Sunny stuck her head out to get the customers order.

"One order of Orderly Onion Rings to go," the customer stated. The former toddler wrote that down and then moved over to the grill in the right corner of the diner and began to fix the meal and as she did Klaus said, "How about I go out and get the orders, and Violet you handle the drinks and Sunny the cooking?" "Sadan?" Beatrice asked, which probably meant "While all of you are doing that, what am I supposed to do?" or perhaps "Sunny, could you give me one of those hamburgers?"

Her slightly older sister obliged her with a portion of meat and then proceeded to cook up the onion rings that the customer had ordered. Just then the bell rang again and Klaus turned to the next patron and asked, "What can I get for you, sir?"

"I need an order of Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers and two Clown Cakes, for my twin girls; its their birthdays because they were born on the same day," the older gentleman explained.

Klaus noted, writing down the order and Violet asked him, "What can I get you to drink?" "Lemonade please." Just then Larry rushed back inside the kitchen and remarked, "I'm surprised we're having so much business, usually during bad weather the Anxious Clown is dead." He glared at the Baudelaires as if it were there fault and then remarked, "Well don't just stand there! We have orders to fill!" He paused when he noted that Violet was getting some lemonade and added, "Our ice cube machine hasn't been working for quite some time, so I'd recommend telling our customers the only thing we serve is hot lemonade."

Then the poorly dressed waiter went off to serve other customers and the Baudelaires went back to preparing dishes.

Sunny, Klaus and Violet spent the better part of the afternoon preparing an assortment of fine dishes for their patrons which varied from Orderly Onion Rings to Sentimental Shakes to Callous Chicken Sandwiches to Happy Hamburgers to Fraudulent French fries to Suspicious Soup and Detrimental Desserts and Malevolent Meals and Special Side dishes, and by the time they were done, they felt certain that they had served everything on the menu except for a few dishes which apparently they didn't have the ingredients for.

Exhausted from the days' activity, they were eager to speak to the hostess about the former realtors of the Anxious Clown and entered the main part of the diner to find Larry collecting tips and the young blonde woman counting the till for the day. "Where is Falo?" Klaus asked. "Children! There you are! Did you get the hang of it?" she asked, using a phrase which here means "she was wondering whether or not Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice managed to survive one day of cooking for and ordering and serving customers at the Anxious Clown diner" to which Violet answered, "You certainly have a lot of people here despite the bad weather."

She nodded in agreement and then leaned down and whispered, "I can't tell you everything right now, but we will talk whenever we get to the Lavender Lighthouse." She then turned to Larry and asked, "I trust you can close this down for the night?" The skinny man had already taken off his ridiculous costume and nodded absently before returning to the kitchen. "We have a lot of questions to ask you," Sunny stated. "All of that can wait until we get home, children," she assured them and then led them out the diner to her car and added, "This place is no longer safe."

The Baudelaires looked at each other in concern, wondering what she meant by that as they got into the backseat and drove thru the town of Lake Lachrymose.

"This place used to be bustling, no matter what weather occurred. But that was before the incident messed everything up," she explained as they drove further away from town. Violet and her younger siblings recalled that Falo had also mentioned something similar and the eldest Baudelaire asked, "Are you referring to the one that Ike and Gregor caused?"

"No I was referencing F's deception but there are so many incidents to refer to I can understand the confusion," she answered as she turned to corner toward Hazy Harbor and added, "But now isn't the proper time to discuss these things, we haven't much time to discuss them anyways, Baudelaires."

The orphans looked at each other in shock and when before they had only a few questions to ask the hostess they now had many. However, let me warn you that whenever they arrive at the Lavender Lighthouse; a wonderful tourist attraction and the only one that still remains at Lake Lachrymose since their one and only restaurant burned down; that by asking the hostess the questions they wanted to ask her, the children in affect opened up Pandora's box.

Pandora's box is a legend from quite some time ago before either you or I were born, unless of course you actually never died in which case I'd be eager to meet with you and find out if you know some way to prevent death or reverse it; and it is about a special box that someone named Pandora once owned until she decided to give it away because there were quite a lot of terrible things inside it or perhaps just bats, depending on which version of the story you read.

Apparently Pandora had trained the bats to stay in the box so that they couldn't escape and she could use them in a traveling show that she was well acquainted with and in this talent show there was a man that Pandora was particularly fond of, yet this man; the leader of the troupe, showed no interested in her because his heart belonged to another and whenever she showed to him the bats she had trained he turned her away.

Not able to accept this rejection, Pandora decided to exact her revenge on him and trained the bats to attack whenever they were released on stage and then sent them as a gift to him and his bride on their wedding day.

Figuring that this was an act of good faith and not in fact a cleverly disguised trick to use against him, the man opened the box and was summarily humiliated by the bats and went running off into the Hinterlands never to be seen again except on occasion still being chased by bats and warning others never to open Pandora's box.

The lesson, if you're wondering; couldn't be clearer, for since Klaus and his siblings were eager to learn more about their parents past, they also didn't suspect that by doing so they were also unleashing a horde of bats, as it were.

As their car stopped in front of the Lavender Lighthouse, the hostess from the Anxious Clown diner helped them get their luggage inside. Falo was busy examining the various paintings that hung on the wall and Violet considered asking their current guardian why he wasn't helping with this task, but decided talking to the young blonde woman was much more vital, a word which here means "the eldest Baudelaire wanted to talk to the young hostess before Mister Dominic or anyone else took the opportunity to show up and ruin things."

So once they'd successfully hauled in their bags, the hostess stated, "Children if you'll follow me, I'd like to show you the lighthouse."

Realizing that she wished to speak to them privately, the Baudelaires followed her up the winding staircase to the top of the Lavender Lighthouse and once they were there, the hostess closed the door behind them and stated, "Baudelaires you have no idea how happy I am to see all of you." "I'm sorry, but you have us at a loss; we don't know you," Sunny admitted.

The blonde woman nodded and remarked, "Of course, how rude of me; I knew all of you well before you were born but we've never gotten a chance to meet until now." "So who are you?" Klaus wondered. "My name is Sally Sebald," she explained with another broad smile and then muttered, "Now would you mind telling me why you are journeying with Count Olaf?"


	4. Three

_**Three**_

A case of mistaken identity is like getting a meal without pickles on your hamburger or tapioca pudding, a terrible mistake that needs to be corrected promptly.

For example, my own brother was once mistaken for Count Olaf himself because he simply had the tattoo of an eye on his ankle just as I do and an entire village burned him to a stake because of a case of mistaken identity, whereas the real villain went free and disposed of a very crucial piece of information with a harpoon gun before his departure.

Thankfully, the Baudelaires were nowhere near the Village of Fowl Devotees whenever Sally Sebald asked them why they had journeyed with Count Olaf so there was no chance that any villagers were going to burn them to a stake unless of course some were hiding within the lighthouse, which some villagers are known to do, particularly ones dressed in cow suits. So the Baudelaires were able to clear up his identity rather quickly. "That's not Count Olaf," Violet explained.

"That's his evil twin brother," Klaus added. "And his name is Falo," Sunny remarked. Sally Sebald looked even more puzzled then before and asked them a series of questions, starting with, "Are you sure its not Olaf? I saw a glimmer in his eye." To which Violet replied, "We're quite sure, we saw the same glimmer and it is only a fact that he is Count Olaf's evil twin."

"But if he is Olaf's brother, then he is just as wicked as Olaf," Sally remarked. "Well Falo has been with us for quite some time, and although he is absent-minded, he is a noble person, and the reason he is Olaf's evil twin is because he is the exact opposite of Olaf; good," Sunny replied. Sally Sebald scratched her head in confusion and then muttered, "I suppose it must've been a case of mistaken identity. I'm sorry to accuse you of being ruthless villains, Baudelaires."

The young blonde woman began to circle the lighthouse and stated, "I guess that explains why when he arrived he was speaking in Vocal Flocculation Dialect, and why he insisted that you were volunteers."

"We are volunteers, the name badges say so," Violet pointed out. "I'm sure you children are old enough to realize that something that simple doesn't make you noble, which is why I needed to talk to you in private to be sure that you were indeed who you claimed to be. With the variety of articles being published in _The Daily Punctilio_, I'm not sure what to believe anymore," Sally Sebald stated.

"Exasm," Beatrice remarked, which probably meant "Excuse me, ma'am but you still haven't told us why you needed to talk to us and even though you've told us who you are we don't know you" or perhaps "I'm so tired and I really need a nap."

"I guess it shouldn't surprise me that your parents never spoke of me. After the schism, we were instructed to never reveal other volunteers just in case there were hidden microphones nearby; which is why I can't tell you now what is going on at the Anxious Clown diner," Sally Sebald explained. "Does it have something to do with ERT?" Violet asked.

The blonde woman's eyes widened in surprise and she wondered, "Where did you hear about that?" Before the Baudelaires got a chance to answer, there was a knock on the door and Falo asked, "Excuse me, but I was wondering where it is that we will be sleeping?

" Sally sighed and answered, "I'll be down shortly, sir." She turned back to the four orphans and stated, "I suppose we can finish our discussion tomorrow, Baudelaires; we've all had a rough day and I have a feeling that tomorrow will prove just as hectic for us."

"Why do you think that?" Klaus wondered. "I'm expecting guests at the Anxious Clown diner tomorrow morning around lunch time in the afternoon," Sally replied, which didn't make any sense at all after she said it and then added, "I'm afraid I don't have appropriate commendations for all of us, so you'll have to sleep here. I can bring you sleeping bags, if you want."

"We'd appreciate it," Violet said with a nod. "I only have three, so two of you will have to share one," Sally Sebald explained. Just then they spotted a light coming from the lake and Sunny asked, "Is that an incoming vessel?"

"Right you are, and I forgot to mention that; but an extra task along with sleeping here is manning… or womanning, the lighthouse. Whenever you see a ship signal like that it means they are nearing Damocles Dock. And since it is the middle of the night, they don't want to ram their ship into the Rancorous Rocks or get lost in the Wavy Whirlpool; so they are looking for a way to make it to land, and that is why this lighthouse is here. If you see a ship heading toward the dock you need to activate the spotlight so they can make it here without disaster, seeing as the leeches are particularly active at nighttime," the young blonde woman told them.

"How are we supposed to get any rest if we're supposed to be running the lighthouse as well?" Klaus wondered aloud. But their new companion had already left, leaving the four children alone at the top of the Lavender Lighthouse for the night.

"This is beyond words," Violet muttered as she activated the massive spotlight and added, "How are we supposed to get any sleep if we're going to have to keep this running all night long?"

"Maybe we can take shifts?" Klaus suggested. "That solution makes a certain amount of sense, but I really need to sleep; I've grown tired of resting in the back of Falo's car," Sunny answered. "Ok then me and Klaus can take turns during the night," Violet suggested and then added, "I've grown accustomed to sleeping under worse circumstances."

"Hey, she forgot to give us our sleeping bags!" Klaus exclaimed and then said, "I'll go and remind her." Heading down the winding staircase again; the middle Baudelaire had every intention of inquiring about the sleeping bags that Sally Sebald had told them about, but halfway done he overheard a conversation that he wished he hadn't

. Apparently their new friend was talking to someone over the phone, perhaps miles away or next door; seeing as whenever you talk over the phone its hard to say where the person is that you're talking to unless of course you have a more modern technology in order to track such things.

But Klaus wasn't wondering about the person she was talking to, although perhaps he should've been; instead he was listening intently to what Sally was saying.

"ERT! That's right, and I'm positive that they should've known about F's betrayal," she stated to whomever she was speaking to. "And I mentioned the meeting that is scheduled for tomorrow and they acted like they hadn't heard anything about it. These cannot possibly be the Baudelaires," Sally remarked.

Klaus softly gasped and returned to the top of the lighthouse, where his siblings waited expectantly for sleeping bags. But when Klaus came back with none, but rather a look of concern on his face; Violet asked, "What's going on?" "Sally thinks we are villains and not volunteers," he explained. "I guess that explains why we have to sleep here," Sunny stated. "For some reason she thought we should've known about what is happening tomorrow at the Anxious Clown," the middle Baudelaire stated.

"Maybe it has something to do with the event that we were invited to by ERT?" Violet wondered. "The way she was talking about ERT it sounded venomous," Klaus stated and then said something that might've been true, but he had no idea at this time whether or not it was. "Maybe . and ERT are against one another?" he wondered. "So now we'll have to convince her that we are in fact the Baudelaires," Violet lamented as she turned off the spotlight once she was sure that the boat had made it to the shore.

Had the eldest Baudelaire realized who's ship she had just directed to the Damocles Dock, as I do now; then I am willing to wager a large sum of money perhaps even my entire fortune, that Violet Baudelaire would not have guided them to the dock in any way whatsoever.

And I often try to remind Violet of this fact, seeing as she had no way of knowing that the ship was carrying very dangerous fiends aboard it and she was simply doing the task that Sally Sebald had assigned her; and the young blonde woman who had told her to do these things also did know of who was onboard the ship, but had secret agendas of her own which were not made clear to Baudelaires yet.

So as she laid down and rested and let Klaus take the spotlight, so to speak; the oldest orphan had no way of knowing until the following morning that she had inadvertently helped their enemies arrive at Lake Lachrymose.

Klaus spent the remainder of the night looking out across the lake for any signs of activity, or storms brewing and on a few occasions slumped off into a short nap, that lasted for maybe fifteen minutes at the longest; and the middle orphan hoped that whenever he'd done this no one was attempting to get to the Damocles Dock and didn't crash into the Rancorous Rocks or get lost in the Wavy Whirlpool or wind up stuck in Curdled Cave.

And once the morning came, he woke up his siblings and muttered, "What do we do about Sally? She is convinced that we are her enemies!" "Then today we'll have to try our hardest to convince her that this is not the case," Violet decided firmly as she yawned and watched a spectacular sight outside of the Lavender Lighthouse.

It may come to you as a surprise that this structure is not actually lavender in color, but is a plain blue brick building sitting on the edge of the Hazy Harbor overlooking the Lake Lachrymose. The reason for its name comes from the sight that Violet was now witnessing, but it would be better to view it from an incoming boat; such as the Fickle Ferry and to watch as the sun rose over the horizon and basked the building with its glow, causing the bricks to change in their pigment a word which here means "different color" and thus give them a lavender hue.

Despite all of the situations that they had recently endured, whether it was escaping the fire of the Ned H. Rirger Theater or even enduring the sewers in the Very Fine Dwelling; Violet and her siblings still had the capacity to take in nature's beauty and from their standpoint looking toward the east they were able to watch as the sun rose slowly over the lake and gave everything a golden glow and the eldest Baudelaire even surmised that this sight might've been one reason why the Lavender Lighthouse had become a tourist trap quite some time ago, and in this respect; she would be partially right.

The Baudelaires wished that they had the time to stare at this beauty for days, to completely capture it or perhaps to take the time to paint a masterpiece; which might I add is a wonderful pastime that I've gotten the chance to explore but have always wanted to and perhaps had things turned out differently me and my good friends would've painted this very masterpiece that I am now describing.

But sadly that is not the case for myself or the Baudelaires, for just as I was snatched away by circumstances relating to unrequited love and secret organizations and violins, so Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice were snatched away from this sight whenever Sally Sebald entered the Lavender Lighthouse and proclaimed, "Looks like your guardian is already down at the Anxious Clown diner, Baudelaires. We should be going as well."

The Baudelaires followed her down the winding staircase to the car that was waiting outside and Sally reminded them, "Today the Anxious Clown will be very busy because we have very important guests arriving, so I'm going to be changing up your assignments. Sunny, I'll need you to wait tables, Klaus; I'll need you to make the food and Violet, I'll need you to fix the ice machine."

The children didn't object to these demands as they drove thru the town of Lake Lachrymose, each no doubt curious to find out who their visitors were. "Don't forget they'll be arriving sometime this morning around lunchtime in the afternoon," Sally Sebald told the orphans, which didn't make much sense this time nor did it even make sense last time or any other time it was ever mentioned.

Klaus, Beatrice, Violet and Sunny however were too focused on the discussion they'd had last night to worry about this technicality, although I can assure you had Josephine Anwhistle still been living she would've pointed out what poor grammar this one on the part of my dear Sally. But sadly just as someone in this story that is important to me is long gone and just as someone near to the Baudelaires is long gone and just as someone close to you or a friend of yours is long gone, Aunt Josephine and her need to correct grammar are long gone as well.

When they arrived at the Anxious Clown, the Baudelaires were surprised to find that Falo had changed into the outfit of a restaurant host, similar to the uniform Sally had been wearing, and Larry; the Baudelaire's former waiter and current co-worker, was busy redecorating tables with new snazzy covers.

"What's the meaning of this?" Sally Sebald asked. "Since I am now the owner of this establishment I felt it was necessary to make a few changes to the theme," Falo explained. "Gustav designed these himself!" she exclaimed in disbelief and then muttered, "All right, it's fine. It doesn't matter, as long as we can handle what comes our way today."

Violet, Klaus and Sunny rightly guessed that she was talking about their incoming guests whereas Beatrice was busy feasting on an entrée that Larry had prepared. "Get this little beastie off of me!" the waiter exclaimed.

"Beatrice!" Violet scolded the infant, to which Sally muttered, "The Anxious Clown is no place for children!" "But all of us are children," Klaus pointed out. "And the only reason you're here is because of those name badges you're wearing," the young blonde answered and then turned to Falo and said, "I can meet and greet the hosts. How about you tend to things in the kitchen?"

"Sounds reasonable," the evil twin of Count Olaf agreed and then allowed her to do the job he had been doing and moved toward the back of the diner. The Baudelaires followed their current guardian, eager to relate with him some of the things they'd learned; but unfortunately Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice would not get that opportunity because the bell indicating a customer had arrived rung as soon as they got into the kitchen. Klaus rushed to the window and asked, "What can I get for you, sir?"

"I really came a rather long way trying to find need of assistance in the manner of obtaining food or sustenance. Help if you can, or maybe you can't, considering that many volunteers don't eat here anymore for one reason or another, now please?" the man asked and then tapped on the bell again and Klaus looked at him in confusion and muttered, "Do you want to order something off of the menu, sir?"

The man looked at him with a raised eyebrow, ordered the usual and then headed off to a booth. Meanwhile, Violet had proceeded to tie up her hair with a ribbon, something she commonly did whenever she was tackling a major problem and looking over the ice machine, which as Larry had indicated hadn't been working for quite some time. As she attempted to figure out a way to operate it, Falo passed her by and asked, "Violet, have you found it yet?"

The oldest orphan looked up from her work and muttered, "I'm not realty sure what you're wanting me to look for." "Don't worry, you'll know when you find it," Falo replied and then began to search thru the diner's kitchen again. Sunny was having the hardest time of all the children, trying to rush between tables and obtain orders, which considering the former toddler's height; was quite a challenge for her.

But Sunny did her job without complaint, and also made sure to watch as any guest entered the diner and Sally Sebald checked them in and then guided them to a table or booth.

Yet as the hours ticked by, and it passed from morning to afternoon, none of the Baudelaires had seen anyone that they'd recognized, and those that had recognized them hadn't said anything about it. And so it came about at two thirty that Klaus, Violet and Sunny were all eager to give up and concede that nothing of importance was here at the Anxious Clown diner; until…**THEY** arrived.

Klaus had just finished an order whenever he looked up thru the window in the kitchen and saw **THEM** and gasped in shock and Violet was still trying to figure out the mechanics of the ice machine whenever she turned her head and looked thru the double doors of the kitchen and saw **THEM** and Sunny was serving a poor sailor who'd just finished telling her a sorrowful story about a man who'd been devoured by leeches whenever she nearly dropped the soup into his lap on account of **THEM**.

And I'm quite sure had I been there with the Baudelaires and seen **THEM** that I would've stopped whatever I was doing and stared as well. And the reason this is, is because these two particular individuals were the very personification of everything that the Baudelaires feared and even wicked people such as Count Olaf couldn't look them in the eye and if I even here mention of them in the same room as I am I make a motion to escape.

But now Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice couldn't think of escaping the Anxious Clown diner and they needed to know precisely why these two villains had come here, as I'm sure you do; even if it means reading another awful chapter to learn more about the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard.

**_Is disaster for dessert for the poor Baudelaires? Stay tuned for more! :] read and review! please!_**


	5. Four

_**Four**_

Confrontations are usually things that you want to avoid at all costs.

This is because the person or people you are confronting are usually angry with you for one reason or another, whether it be because you owe them money or because you have failed to send a letter off in time like you promised you would or because you have written at least thirteen depressing books about a particular group of orphans due to your connection to one of their dead parents.

But no matter what the reason is, the fact still remains that all of these situations are ones that you would prefer to avoid at all costs whether that be to claim you have filed for bankruptcy or that you forgot how to write or that your editor was forcing you not because you wished to relate to the public a sorrowful tale which connected in many ways to your own dreadful past.

The reason this is the case is because confrontations usually lead to larger battles which you may be prepared for or in some cases, having to write another thirteen volumes detailing further miserable because you lost a bet some time ago relating in some way to how many different ways you could use a particular acronym to explain various activities somehow connected to one another.

So when Klaus, Sunny and Violet all saw two villains they had assuredly hoped to never confront again in any shape or form, the Baudelaires were also perplexed as to how the two dangerous and deceptive individuals had managed to make it here to Lake Lachrymose and had chosen to eat at the Anxious Clown diner, even if it was the only restaurant in town.

This is because the two dastardly fiends who were now standing in front of the hostess, Sally Sebald; were perhaps the most dangerous two people that the Baudelaires had ever met. In fact to this day the children didn't know what there names were, even though I am well aware and others are also aware but you will not be made aware rather you will beware of the man with the beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard.

The children had first encountered them in the Mortmain Mountains after Olaf had successfully burned down the Caligari Carnival and escaped there to meet up with these fiends, and Sunny had had the misfortune of meeting these wicked people first whenever she was serving food for Olaf, Esmé and the acting troupe of their old nemesis; all of whom might I add are now dead. They had arrived after spotting the Vertical Flame Diversion that Olaf had used and had spoken at length about an important document and then chose to dispose of it so they wouldn't be implicated in the many crimes that they'd been a part of.

Another reason that the children were particularly afraid of these villains is one that should frighten you as well and it pertains to the second and last encounter the Baudelaires had with these fiends at the Hotel Denouement, right before that establishment burned to the ground. There had been a mock trial against the Baudelaires, a phrase which here means "various friends and fiends presented evidence to three judges, while everyone remained blindfolded so they didn't realize that in fact besides Justice Strauss, the two other judges turned out to be the very same dastardly evil people now obtaining menus from Sally Sebald in the Anxious Clown diner" and whenever the orphans had discovered this fact, they had been forced to leave the hotel alongside Count Olaf and hadn't seen these villains since

. However, their recent encounter with the former girlfriend of Olaf, Esmé Squalor; at the Ned H. Rirger Theater had convinced them that others had survived the fire at the Hotel Denouement. Yet so far the Baudelaires hadn't encountered any of their old acquaintances, but rather wicked people; such as these very ones that I am not even tempted to name.

So as the man with the beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard sat down at one of the tables and Sally Sebald nodded toward the former toddler, I'm sure you would agree that the last thing on Sunny's mind was to confront these wicked people, especially since there was a chance that they would recognize her.

But sadly, the chance to avoid such a confrontation wasn't available to Sunny, for Larry; her co-worker pushed her toward the evil couple and remarked, "You handle them, I don't like the regulars." Sunny nodded weakly and then wisely took a tray on her way toward the table that the man with the beard but no hair and the woman with the hair but no beard were sitting at and held it above her head so that the two villains wouldn't see her face.

Standing there in front of them, Sunny Baudelaire did her very best not to let her legs shake or her knees wobble or her arms give way or her teeth chatter or her hair stand on edge as the man with a beard but no hair remarked, "My, the service here at the Anxious Clown has become rather lax, hasn't it?"

His partner nodded in agreement, gazing down at the short waitress and stating, "It is so hard to find good help these days."

The two seemed to have shared an inside joke, a phrase which here means "funny to everyone who understood it but not to those who didn't, in this case only the two wicked judges were laughing and anybody else who shared such wicked deeds." "So what is good to eat today, squirt?" the woman with hair but no beard commented.

"We have the Happy Hamburgers, Splendid Shakes-" Sunny began but her partner snapped, "Idiot! We own this establishment! Do you think we don't know what's on the menu?"

Sunny Baudelaire nervously kept her head down as the two dastardly villains laughed again and then the man with the beard but no hair remarked, "Bring us some Suspicious Soup and some Clown Cake. And make it snappy, shortie!" The former infant was more than happy to get away from the two mysterious and malevolent miscreants and went to the kitchen where Violet and Klaus comforted her.

Sunny began to sob and her older sister asked, "What's the matter, Sunny?"

"I just never have forgotten all of the wicked deeds those two may be responsible for, just the ones we're aware of makes me fearful," she explained. "I know," Violet agreed with a shiver and then turned to Klaus and said, "Do you suppose one of us could take care of this assignment?"

"I don't think it would be wise, Violet. Sunny is still young enough that those two don't recognize her. It's the best shot that we have to find out why they are here at the Anxious Clown," the middle Baudelaire declared.

"Frankina," Beatrice asked, noting Sunny's pale expression, which probably meant "Sunny, what is troubling you now besides those two evil people?" or perhaps, "Sunny has something to share you two!"

Violet and Klaus grew silent as they turned to their younger sister who explained, "I was just thinking about what Sally said this morning at the Lavender Lighthouse. She said that she was expecting important guests today and also said they would be sometime in the morning around lunchtime in the afternoon."

"Yeah, I recall; and when she said it that made no sense whatsoever," Klaus commented. "Maybe these two wicked judges are the very ones that Sally was expecting?" Sunny suggested. Her siblings grew very quiet at hearing this suggestion, and Violet finally stated, "Klaus, you said that she was talking to someone on the phone last night, didn't you?"

"Yes, but I thought it was about whether or not we were noble individuals. But I suppose it might've been those two, or one of them. I just don't know," the middle Baudelaire admitted and then added, "I should've stuck around to hear more of what she had to say."

"No time for that right now. You should get out there and get their drink order," Violet told the former toddler and added, "I know this is very hard, Sunny; but please be brave. This could be crucial information that you are obtaining!"

Their adopted sister Beatrice gave Sunny a soft hug, and told her something that only a former infant would understand and after this, the tiny waitress returned to the table where apparently the two dastardly denizens of the Anxious Clown had been discussing something. "…gone. I rather despised those powder-faced women, frankly," the woman with the hair but no beard commented.

"I think you were jealous," the man with the beard but no hair stated as he wagged his finger knowingly at his companion. "Please! What matters most of all is that soon it will be ours!" his companion stated and then noted Sunny's presence and remarked, "What do you want, idiot? Can't you see that we are busy?"

"Begging your pardon, mister and misses; but you failed to tell me what you wanted to drink," Sunny Baudelaire remarked. "I want iced lemonade!" the woman with the hair but no beard stated with a sneer.

"I'm sorry, but our ice machine is not working right now," Sunny replied. The wicked judge glared down at the former toddler and yelled, "I didn't ask you what you don't have! This establishment is falling to pieces! Get me my iced lemonade or I will be forced to burn this place to the ground!"

"Careful, you're getting ahead of yourself," the other dangerous deviant remarked and the two snickered again as Sunny rushed back to the kitchen, where her siblings were hurriedly attempting to prepare the meal for the villains.

"Have you found out anything yet Sunny?" Violet asked. "They are even more ruthless than before!" the former infant said with a shudder. "So you haven't managed to catch any snippets of information?" Klaus lamented as he finished making the Clown Cake and then Sunny said, "They are now demanding iced lemonade, but I explained that our ice machine is currently broken!"

"Isn't there some other way we can make ice cubes?" Klaus asked. Violet proceeded to tie her hair up in a ribbon, a practice she tended to do whenever she was coming up with an ingenious scheme to get her and her siblings out a dire predicament such as what they were in now and said, "I think I saw Falo looking near to a freezer for something, maybe we can take the water in there and freeze it?"

"All right, I'll start that. Here Sunny, take their order to them," the middle Baudelaire told his younger sister. Sunny nodded and took the soup and cake to the vile vicious villains and noted that the man who had a beard but no hair was staring at the clock and muttering, "What time is it?"

"Does it look like I wear a watch?" the woman with the hair but no beard remarked bitterly and then turned to Sunny who was approaching with their food and asked, "You there! Short stuff! What time is it?" The former toddler placed their cake and soup down on the table and glanced at the clock and answered, "Its two forty-five, why do you ask?"

The wicked judge snarled and it looked like he was about to slap Sunny across the face but muttered, "You must new. Don't you know the clock here at the Anxious Clown is always backwards? If its afternoon then we are actually here in the morning and if we're here in the morning, visa versa."

"That doesn't make any sense at all," Sunny Baudelaire remarked. "Who cares if it does or not?" the woman with the hair but no beard remarked with a laugh and then turned to her companion and stated in a hushed tone, "But where do you suppose our comrade is?"

"I'm not sure," the other judge noted and then turned to Sunny and muttered, "Why are you still here?" For a moment, the former toddler was flabbergasted, a word which here means "didn't know what to do or say in front of these fiendish foes" but the young Baudelaire quickly recovered by answering, "I was wondering if either of you needed anything else?"

"Just bring us that iced lemonade, fool! And make it quick, slick!" the man with the beard but no hair remarked angrily. Sunny ran back to the kitchen, where Violet had found a very small freezer next to some pots and pans that desperately needed cleaning and remarked, "I've managed to freeze a cup of water, now we just need something to break it with."

"I wish Falo were here right now, he might know what to do at a crucial moment like this," Klaus remarked. "Where is he anyway?" the former toddler asked.

"I don't know, he was asking me if I had found something earlier; and then disappeared," Violet remarked as she got one of the kitchen utensils and began to break up the block of ice she had made and then passed it to Sunny and remarked, "Try to take your time so you can find out why they are here!"

"There's something that just occurred to me!" Sunny declared, to which her siblings paused in what they were doing and Beatrice asked, "Daringo?" which probably meant, "What is it, my adopted sister?" or perhaps, "Does it have to do with where Falo went?"

"When I told them what was on the menu! Those two villains claimed to own this establishment!" she explained. "That's impossible, Falo just bought it yesterday; its under the possession of V.F.D.," Klaus pointed out.

"But I'm sure those former comrades of Justice Strauss don't realize that," Sunny pointed out.

"Oh dear," Violet said with a gasp and I'm sure by now you've come to the same dreadful revelation that the Baudelaire orphans did, and it the eldest orphan who stated, "They could be working for the group known as ERT!"

Now before we go any further that as shocking as this revelation was for the children to understand it, there was an even more dangerous shocking truth that would be revealed shortly whenever Sunny returned to their table and brought them the iced lemonade that they had requested and the reason I am telling you this now is so that you may quickly dispose of this book or hide it somehow or perhaps use it as a coffee table so that no one else may make the same mistake that you made, pick it up; read it and learn of these shocking things that happened to the Baudelaire orphans had learned whenever they were working at the Anxious Clown.

There is nothing good that will result in you reading any further in this manuscript, for upon discovering this awful truth; that these two wicked villains the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard; could be working with the same organization that had sent them an invitation during their stay at the Ned H. Rirger Theater sent the children's head into a state of confusion.

But it was nothing compared to the next thing that happened in the diner, for after they had come to this realization; Violet and Klaus sent their sister out into the fray again a phrase which here means "the elder Baudelaires sent Sunny to discover more about the two villains and why they had come to the Anxious Clown."

But as she carried the lemonade toward the table, it became abundantly clear to her as it will to you; precisely why these sinister sentinels had come to the diner near to Lake Lachrymose.

The woman with the hair but no beard and the man with the beard but no hair were now greeting a third person who had apparently arrived late, and now all three of them were laughing and chortling as Sunny Baudelaire froze where she stood, unable to put into words what she was seeing.

My dear reader it is my sad duty to report that the individual sitting alongside these wicked workers was yet another inimical individual that the Baudelaires knew all too well, and were now being forced to confront again here at the Anxious Clown diner, and it is an even worse task for me to tell you that it was none other than the Baudelaires' arch-enemy, Mister Dominic.

**_Read and review and I'll post at least every 7 days if I can, :] thank you and appreciate all the reviews._**


	6. Five

_**Five**_

It is often one of my favorite hobbies to go to a beach near to where the Baudelaires once lived and to watch as the seashore is lapped away slowly by the oncoming waves endlessly so that every person who ever stepped foot on this sand would be swept away just as assuredly as the last, and nothing would remain the same.

I like to travel to this secluded spot to gather my thoughts, or to write sonnets for a lost love of mine or to await a companion who is supposed to bring me a coded message and to hope they are not late for if they are that can only mean we have been compromised.

But the main reason that I enjoy these long walks on the beach is the very one I have already mentioned; that nothing remains the same there. True there are many things about the seashore that remained unchanged over time, in fact the very thing I just recounted will continue until the end of my life and until your life and until the end of all our lives and on into eternity, but the fact still remains that all those who walked across the beach, be they a dismal and supposedly deceased author or an eager young bachelor seeking to woo the hand of a famous actress or perhaps even the brother of a dastardly villain headed to court to proclaim the truth but being apprehended shortly beforehand because of a case of mistaken identity, their imprint on this sandy shore will never remain and thus nothing would remain the same.

The reason I wish to make this point clear, in case you were wondering; is because for the Baudelaire orphans in the story that you are currently reading everything would remain the same throughout it, a phrase which here means "Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice's lives would not get any better during their working days at the Anxious Clown diner and they would fail once again to stop their adversaries in their vile plot and would only find deeper and darker secrets that provided them with more questions."

And this fact was further compounded by the event that Sunny had just witnessed, when Mister Dominic entered the small café and the two evident enemies stood up and greeted him as if they were all friends, and I suppose in the realm of wickedness that is exactly what they were.

The formerly youngest Baudelaire was still too stunned by this sudden change of events to even approach the table and ask the guests how their meal was going, especially since in the past Mister Dominic had always spotted the Baudelaires like an eagle spots its prey from high above the sky.

Holding the tray above her face again so that she couldn't be seen, Sunny approached the terrible trio and asked mildly, "Is there anything else that I can get for you?" The man with the beard but no hair looked down at her contemptuously and remarked, "This is exactly what I was talking about, Dominic; the service here at the Anxious Clown has really gone downhill ever since we lost the contract!"

"I believe I've told you once already that was not my fault," Mister Dominic replied in an irritated tone and then gazed down at Sunny as well and smirked only slightly.

The disguised orphan nearly lost her balance whenever he did this, and Sunny immediately recognized that now the ball was in the other court, a phrase which here means "It was up to their evil enemy Mister Dominic whether or not he would reveal to the man with the beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard that Sunny Baudelaire was standing there eavesdropping" and the no longer infantile orphan waited to see what the enigmatic villain would do."

"I don't think this newest employee is going to harm us, and as for this strange group known as ERT… I assure you that I will handle them," Mister Dominic told his companions, never taking his eyes off of Sunny as he continued to speak. "Don't fail us, Dominic; you know what we do to people who can't live up to their word," the woman with the hair but no beard said venomously, which caused all of Sunny's hair to stand on edge.

Yet apparently, Mister Dominic didn't seem disturbed by these words and countered, "Have I ever failed you in the past, my dear friends?" The man with the beard but no hair was nodding and remarking, "No you haven't recently, I must admit. The disposal of Olaf's troupe was rather fitting considering his own dismal disappointing demise at the hands of the Baudelaire brats."

"Then you can rest assured that I will do everything necessary in order to find it, along with the Baudelaires," the orphan's nemesis said with another smirk toward Sunny, which caused her knees to wobble.

"Are you eavesdropping on our conversation?" the woman with the hair but no beard asked angrily glaring down at the former infant. "I'm sorry ma'am," Sunny stammered, but once again Mister Dominic came to the rescue and remarked, "Let's not forget that this place was filled with our recruits. Anything we have to discuss we can do so openly."

Sunny Baudelaire looked at him curiously, and the two villains who were brunching nodded in understanding until at last the woman with the hair but no beard remarked, "I couldn't help but to notice that the hostess is not one of our minions, so as I have said many times before we must be careful."

The man with the beard but no hair checked his watch and finished his meal before stating, "I suppose we should be moving on. There isn't much time before the banquet and we still have quite a few assignments to take care of."

His companion nodded and laughed before stating, "I'm so glad that idiot Anwhistle is dead, otherwise he would've been here trying to stop us." "Gregor or Ike?" Dominic asked.

"Doesn't matter, all of those connected to the Baudelaires have always been a thorn in our side. Once their little organization is swept away, we'll be able to begin the operation as planned," the man with a beard but no hair stated.

"I assure you that I will continue with our plans as you've instructed me," Mister Dominic said and then added, "Starting with the paying of this tab."

The two villains rose and said their farewells to the orphan's opponent and then left without paying any of the bill whatsoever. It is here that I am glad to say that these two dastardly denizens, these malevolent miscreants, these terrible thieves, these evil enemies, yes this despicable duo will not be bothering the Baudelaires for quite some time; but rather will return to other wicked activities so since they have now left, you can breathe again. Mister Dominic watched as his companions left, sipping his iced lemonade with the ice cubes that Violet had made and then turning toward Sunny Baudelaire and remarking, "Well that was rather interesting, wasn't it?"

He winked, placed the money necessary for the bill onto the table; including a tip for Sunny and stated, "Take care of yourself." Without another word, the ever mysterious Mister Dominic left the Anxious Clown and the former toddler quickly gathered the money and returned to the kitchen, where her siblings were waiting to hear about this unexpected turn of events.

Klaus and Violet and Beatrice all stood rigid as their sister entered thru the flipping double doors, for all three of her siblings had also seen Mister Dominic arrive and just as quickly depart, which of the two occurrences the Baudelaires were more thankful for the latter even though they knew that Mister Dominic was sure to return and very soon.

So the children recognized that they had little time left to figure out what was going on and they also knew they had many mysteries which needed to be solved and they weren't sure which to tackle first.

Violet was wondering whether or not Sally Sebald was a villain or a volunteer and if there was any way for them to find out whereas Klaus was considering what connection Mister Dominic might have to the two wicked villains who had just left the Anxious Clown diner and Sunny was thinking about where Falo was at and Beatrice was wondering whether or not she would ever get a decent meal as she ate some of the leftovers from the soup. Sadly, the four orphans didn't know which of these problems mattered more, since if they found Falo they could relate to him all of these concerns, but they also recognized that their current guardian could be forgetful more often than not, so perhaps sharing with him the discoveries they'd made would not be beneficial at all.

And if they wanted to find out whether or not Sally Sebald was a volunteer would be even more difficult since she apparently had some knowledge of these wicked people and why they were there. So the Baudelaires couldn't ask her the vital questions they needed to have answered if the young woman turned out to be a villain. And they had no earthly idea where Mister Dominic was headed to or why he had chosen not to reveal their presence to the two wicked judges.

So since they had no idea where to begin, the children spent the rest of the afternoon busing tables, each anxious by the developments they'd witnessed at the Anxious Clown.

The word anxious, if you were wondering, is a word that denotes you are troubled or stressed about a current situation because matters seem to be getting no better whatsoever and you have no idea what the outcome might be.

For example, if you were invited to a dinner party and at that party you were aware of a notorious villain being there in his attempt for vengeance against a young lady you were fond of than you would be quite anxious to arrive as soon as possible disguised as well so that you could warn her before the entire estate goes up in flames. So being anxious in this instance meant your concern for the person who would be at the party and was at risk from the dangerous person who was seeking to do her harm and I must admit, had I not been so anxious; perhaps the authorities wouldn't have mistaken my cries for help.

But even though this was the case do to the anxieties I expressed some good did come from it, albeit for a short period of time due to Olaf finding you and destroying you and everything you cared about, my fair Beatrice. For the Baudelaire orphans, the matter was much the same, for they knew that a dangerous and deadly villain was close by and if they didn't act soon yet another location would be burnt to the ground by Mister Dominic and his wickedness.

So as they did their assignments, Beatrice, Klaus, Sunny and Violet all were so anxious about these events that they didn't properly tend to the customers. Violet forgot entirely about the assignment Sally Sebald had given her to fix the ice machine and Sunny burnt four orders despite her being an excellent cook and Klaus got six orders wrong despite his excellent memory and even Beatrice wasn't able to take a nap because of the trouble that she and her siblings faced, which is saying quite a lot considering that infants sleep a great deal.

So when the diner closed at the end of the day and their hostess approached them in the kitchen, she was glaring at the four orphans intently and Sally Sebald asked, "Violet! Why didn't you fix the ice machine so that our customers could have fresh cold drinks?"

And switching her gaze toward Klaus, she wondered, "And how could you have possibly gotten that many orders wrong?"

And looking down at Sunny she inquired, "And why have you burnt all that food?"

Even to Beatrice, she murmured, "And why is your adopted sister so fussy?"

The oldest orphan cradled Beatrice, trying to calm her sister before answering, "I'm sorry, but we have quite a lot of things on our mind." "I hate to say this, Baudelaires; but I'm not really sure you qualify as volunteers," Sally Sebald remarked and then turned to Klaus and asked, "Did my brother give you the message?"

The middle orphan looked at the young blonde woman in confusion and remarked, "I didn't see your brother here today, and even if I did; I wouldn't know because I have never met him before."

Sally looked at Klaus like this was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard and replied, "How disappointing, Klaus; I was sure that Gustav would stop by some time today and tell you that he needed help."

"My brother pointed out that we don't know any of your family," Sunny remarked. "That's no excuse, Sunny. There are some things that members of V.F.D. should clearly know," Sally Sebald answered, although none of the orphans knew what she meant. The young blonde crossed her arms in front of herself and remarked, "I think it is becoming increasingly clear that you children aren't who you say you are." "But we've told you that we are Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice!"

the middle orphan remarked. "I know you did, but I've seen no evidence to suggest that you are who you say you are," Sally Sebald replied and then leaned down and asked in almost a whisper, "Do you know who I am?"

Klaus, Beatrice, Violet and Sunny looked at each other and then the oldest Baudelaire replied uncertainly, "Sally Sebald?"

"I'm sorry, Violet; but that's not what I meant," she said with a sigh and then stated, "We should close down the Anxious Clown diner now." As she walked off, the children looked at each other in confusion and then walked back into the kitchen and began to clean up.

After about half an hour of doing this, there was a soft sound from the left wall and the four orphans turned to see what it was; but saw nothing there but a wall. Again, there a noise; this time slightly louder and Klaus remarked, "I think there is a noise coming from the other side of this wall."

His sisters paused what they were doing and stared at the wall and this time heard a slightly louder thumping noise, and Violet replied, "I think Klaus is right." "But there is just a wall there," Sunny stated.

"I think from our time at the Ned H. Rirger Theater we learned that sometimes there are secret walls, and this location was used by V.F.D. at one time as a safe place… maybe there is a secret wall here?" the eldest Baudelaire suggested and stopped from washing the dishes to examine the wall. Klaus and Sunny and Beatrice stopped the chores they were performing and joined their sister in looking for some secret cache to the wall, and Klaus looked up and saw that there was a small shelf above them, where some of the pots and pans sat that only adults could reach, and one was slightly ajar where that it was leaning down as if to fall; and yet it didn't.

As Klaus peered up at this peculiar pot, Violet turned to him and asked, "Klaus, why are you just standing there? Help us figure out how to open this secret passage."

"I was looking at that pot that is out of place… it should fall to the floor, but it hasn't yet. I believe it is a lever of some kind," the middle orphan answered. "Grajaka," Beatrice replied which probably meant "Klaus! Stop wasting your time looking up and help us!" or perhaps "Even if that was a lever, we're not tall enough to reach it."

"Maybe if you stand on my shoulders?" Violet suggested, knowing that when her brother had a feeling about certain things; it was best to act upon it. The two younger children stood out of the way so that Klaus could do as his older sister suggested and carefully balanced himself on top of Violet's shoulders and pulled on the pot that was out of place.

Immediately, the wall slid to the left in front of them and the four children gaped in surprise to see their current guardian standing on the other side in the secret room. "Thank goodness you heard me, Baudelaires! I thought I would suffocate in there," Falo said as he combed his hair back and shivered involuntarily. "What were you doing back there?" Klaus asked as he peered into the room behind Falo and the middle Baudelaire felt like a tornado had swept thru the chamber.

The expression "like a tornado had swept thru it" does not mean that a literal force of nature had ripped thru the small room that Falo was standing in it, for if it had then the entire diner that the Baudelaires were now working in would also be gone as well.

But rather this phrase means that the room was so messy and cluttered that Klaus felt like if there had been such a force moving thru the area, it would account for the pots and the pans that were on the floor, the napkins that appeared to be strewn every which way, the brooms and the mops and the cleaning supplies that were either leaking or were carelessly pushed aside, the baskets and the tablecloths that were in piles on the cracked tile floor, the utensils and knives that were dangerously out of place, the soap and water that dripped from the wall as if it had been tossed out of the way or the dishes and cups that were either disorganized or broken in every corner of the room

. "I know this place probably looks like a tornado went thru it," Falo said, as if he read Klaus' thoughts and then remarked, "But I was searching for it in there because I know that if he brought it here… this is where he would've placed it."

"Brought what where?" Violet asked. "Who brought what?" Sunny wondered.

"Who placed what?" Klaus muttered. Falo chuckled as he stepped out of the small cluttered room and the wall slid back and he explained, "That is what happened whenever I went inside, so I figured I would search for it while I waited for someone to come to my rescue… and now that I know it isn't there, I'm positive it's somewhere else here at the Anxious Clown diner."

"What is?" Violet asked her current guardian. The evil twin of Count Olaf looked at them and then gestured toward a corner.

"Why the very thing that could solve all our problems, children," he whispered and smiled before stating, "The sugar bowl!"

**_Could a miracle be their next course for the miserable orphans? Don't count on it, but find out soon enough! Read and review please!_**


	7. Six

_**Six**_

There is a legend of a famous cup that is hidden somewhere in the Middle East, unless of course it isn't; that is said to be able to give someone eternal life if they drink from it unless of course they choose the wrong cup among the myriads there in which case other consequences not so pleasant would befall them and then there would be only 139 cups left to partake of so if you were searching for this mythical cup, I'd suggest bringing quite a few people who were either gullible or had nothing to live for; which by the way in the wicked world we live in there are quite a few in both categories especially the later if you're looking for people who are dismally depressed by their lot in life; such as orphans or failed authors that should've died a long time ago.

The point I am trying to make however is that there is no way of knowing whether or not this legend is merely fictional or an actual truth, unless you have a lot of money and can travel to India, or Egypt or some other place with a lot of sand in order to dig up some ancient ruins.

So the reason that the myth persists is because there is neither evidence for or against its existence, and people believe it and tell it to their friends or to people that they don't like so that they will go off on a quest in search of this cup.

Sadly some people waste their entire lives to find this mythical cup instead of focusing on real things that can be found that are much more interesting, such as falsified documents or telegrams that were intercepted before making it to their destination.

But there is one thing that I am certain of, and have known for quite some time ever since I saw it there at a particular wedding and knew right then that perhaps there was still a chance to change things and if I had acted quickly maybe that would've been the case and by now if you are not already aware of what I am referencing it is the fact that although the mythical cup may not exist, there is plenty of evidence that the sugar bowl does.

Other than what I have just told you; seeing it with my own eyes; I'm sure if you've read this far into the series of unfortunate events of the Baudelaires lives that you are aware of the sugar bowl and perhaps were there among the volunteers at the Mortmain Mountains whenever a brave pathologist tossed it from the flames and allowed it to wash down the Stricken Stream or maybe you helped watch for villains as a certain ichthyologist obtained the sugar bowl from the Gorgonian Grotto in order to send it toward the last safe place, or maybe you heard of the treacherous fire that burnt down the Hotel Denouement where the sugar bowl was thought to be in the laundry room but thanks to a fiancé of a missed relative, it was hidden in the pond where someone found it and drove hastily away in a taxi, preventing anyone from obtaining its contents and also using it to clear your name so you could publicly rent an office downtown.

But the Baudelaire orphans had never seen the sugar bowl, nor did they know why it was important to V.F.D. or its members or why villains were also seeking to find it, and apparently destroy it and why others were constantly hiding it so that the vital information within wouldn't fall into the wrong hands.

In fact it had been well over a year since the children had even considered this mysterious part of a tea set that is a good place to hide things and they didn't know what to make of Falo's declaration that the sugar bowl was here in the very diner that they were working in.

Violet possibly thought about Quigley Quagmire atop Mt. Fraught and how they had lost sight of him as they were swept away down the Stricken Stream, trying to find the sugar bowl; and Klaus might've considered what lengths they went thru in order to get to the Gorgonian Grotto to find it and then how Sunny became infected with the Medusoid Mycelium shortly afterward and Sunny must've considered what great lengths her and her siblings went thru at the Hotel Denouement and opened the Vernacularly Fastened Device for Olaf only to discover that the sugar bowl wasn't there and even Beatrice might've thought about how good sugar in a bowl would be preserved and how it would taste.

Once Falo had explained to them this, they stood away from the corner and Violet asked, "How can you be sure its here?"

"Children, I wish I had time to tell you everything that I know; but sadly that could take more time than we really have," he stated and then added, "My brother died trying to find the sugar bowl, and he was aware of its contents… and I am curious to find out what is inside, aren't you?"

"You mean you don't know?" Klaus asked. "I'm afraid not," the evil twin of Count Olaf answered and then explained, "I was in prison during the time that the sugar bowl incident occurred… but I know it is of vital importance to your parents and to the Sn-"

He paused in whatever he was about to say when Sally Sebald entered the kitchen and asked, "Why haven't you children finished your chores? The Anxious Clown needs to be cleaned and swept. I'm afraid you really are turning out to be terrible volunteers."

"It is my fault," Falo offered as he brushed off the dust from his suit and added, "The children were speaking to me when they should've been cleaning."

To which Sally stated, "These children are old enough to bear the responsibility of this dismal day, I think they should be required to stay and finish cleaning up the mess left by our patrons."

"We can't clean this entire diner by ourselves," Sunny objected. "Now children, don't doubt your abilities. I know you were able to clean the Ned H. Rirger Theater on your own," Falo stated, although this wasn't actually true.

"I need this place to be up and running again by morning, Baudelaires. The townspeople of Lake Lachrymose come to the Anxious Clown for their meals everyday and I can't afford to lose business because of a messy floor or unwashed dishes," Sally Sebald proclaimed and Klaus thought about pointing out the fact that it was the only diner in town, so business probably wouldn't be affected but wisely kept quiet.

"Well... I suppose that the children could clean up now that the restaurant is closed for the night," Falo conceded and much to her siblings' surprise, Violet nodded in agreement and answered, "We would be happy to do this, Sally."

Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice looked at their elder sister in surprise, to which Violet whispered to her brother, "If we stay overnight at the Anxious Clown, maybe we can locate the sugar bowl!"

Klaus nodded in understanding and proclaimed to the two adults, "It's no problem! We will get the Anxious Clown ready for business tomorrow." Sally Sebald seemed pleased with the orphan's response and stated, "Very good, Baudelaires. Since that's the case, Falo and I will return to the Lavender Lighthouse."

"But how will we get to the Hazy Harbor on our own?" Sunny asked in bewilderment. Falo smiled at the formerly youngest Baudelaire and answered, "I'm sure the four of you can rent a taxi to make it there."

Then he winked at them as if this was a code and proclaimed, "We'll see you soon, children." Sally Sebald and their current guardian left the Anxious Clown diner and as they did the blonde switched the sign on the window from **OPEN** to **CLOSED**.

She locked the door and then left with the evil twin of Count Olaf. Once they were alone in the deserted diner, Klaus asked, "But how can we be sure the sugar bowl is even here, Violet?"

"That's right, Falo never explained how he knew it was here," Sunny pointed out.

"I have to admit I'm not sure if it is," Violet stated and then muttered, "But there must be a reason that Mister Dominic and those two malicious magistrates were here at the Anxious Clown. Maybe Mister Dominic is searching for it too?"

"They did seem interested in this place," Sunny agreed, recalling the callous conversation their atrocious adversaries had only a few hours earlier.

"It wouldn't surprise me one bit if Mister Dominic was searching for the sugar bowl seeing as he is almost as wicked as Count Olaf," the middle Baudelaire declared to which Sunny replied, "I'm not so sure, Klaus. I think Mister Dominic is twice as terrible as Count Olaf."

Her older brother shook his head in disagreement and answered, "Olaf plagued us with many perils trying to obtain our fortune." "But Mister Dominic has betrayed both volunteers and villains to further his schemes," Sunny pointed out.

"That's true, but Olaf murdered our parents!" Klaus countered to which the former infant remarked, "But Mister Dominic has shown us that our parents murdered Olaf's parents!" And before Beatrice could get involved in the debate as to which villain was more vile, Violet Baudelaire decided, "They are both equally evil enemies but Olaf is dead so let's worry about Mister Dominic, who is quite alive; and find the sugar bowl quickly."

All of her younger siblings saw the wisdom in this suggestion and so each set about a particular portion of the Anxious Clown diner to clean it and to search for the sugar bowl, if indeed it was there as Falo claimed it was.

Sunny chose to go to the front of the diner where the register was at and began to scrub the tile floor where all of the customers walked in with muddy shoes and wiped their feet because the owner of the Anxious Clown had failed to place a rug there.

And Klaus went to the hidden room that Falo had found earlier, using several pans and pots to keep the sliding wall open while he rummaged thru the assortment of junk within and began to put everything back in its proper place.

Violet stayed in the kitchen and began to sweep and mop the floor and continued to wash the dishes and toss away the excess food that the children couldn't eat and Beatrice crawled underneath the barstools of the diner and took off the gum and the trash that certain patrons had stuck there over time and wiped the counters and cleaned the pantries. And while each of the orphans cleaned their portion of the diner, all four of the Baudelaires searched every nook and cranny where the sugar bowl might be hiding.

It was as if Klaus, Violet, Beatrice and Sunny were trying to find a needle in a haystack. If you have ever visited a farm or perhaps were born near a dairy, then I'm sure you're well aware of the phrase that I am speaking about, but since there is a possibility that some of my readers did not live near to a farm or spend some time near a dairy before being grabbed by the ankles and abducted by a secret organization, I shall explain this phrase.

Sometimes at these places, parents play a game with their children to occupy the youths' time while the adults tend to matters not pertaining to young ones. This game involves bales of hay and a sewing needle, both of which are quite common on farms or dairies.

Before the children awake, the parents go out and hide a single needle amid the many bales of hay that are on the farm and then whenever their children get up and finish eating breakfast, their mother or their father informs them that there is a needle somewhere hidden in the barns and their son or their daughter needed to go find this needle.

As you can now surmise, this activity isn't as fun as it may sound seeing as bales of hay are rather large and needles are very small. So the task of finding a needle in a haystack is like trying to find the sugar bowl in the Anxious Clown because this activity seemed impossible to the Baudelaires and just as time consuming as searching for a needle in a haystack, which although not impossible could take quite awhile and the end result would actually be quite the same, because the search for needle in the haystack is rather pointless once you realize what you are doing and it will also be the same for the Baudelaires whenever they find the sugar bowl.

So before they even realized it, half of the night had passed by and the Baudelaires had accomplished nothing whatsoever. Although Klaus had succeeded in reorganizing the pots and pans that Falo had tossed about earlier and even though Sunny had finished cleaning the entrance of the diner and despite the fact that Violet had washed all the dishes and the kitchen was orderly and even Beatrice had finished dusting the counter and the barstools, not one of the children had succeeded in their primary task, that of finding the sugar bowl.

So when the clock struck eleven, if it was accurate or not the children never knew; Klaus, Sunny, Beatrice and Violet gathered in the backroom of the Anxious Clown, each exhausted from the long day they'd had serving customers, dealing with evil enemies and searching fruitlessly for the sugar bowl. In fact the youngest Baudelaire had already fallen asleep as the others convened and Klaus lamented, "This is like trying to find a needle in a haystack."

"Maybe Falo was mistaken?" Sunny suggested and then added, "Our current guardian is a tad scatter-brained."

"I just feel like we wasted the night!" Violet stated as she gestured at the diner and muttered, "We've cleaned the entire diner and searched every nook and cranny of the Anxious Clown. I guess Falo was wrong."

"You searched behind the register and under every loose tile, Sunny?" the middle orphan inquired, to which his younger sister answered, "All I found was more guck that needed to be thrown out."

"I've only not been able to push aside the stove because it weighs too much," Violet told her younger brother and sister. Klaus examined the stove and muttered, "Do you suppose someone might think to hide something behind this stove?"

"Even if they did, how would we manage to find out?" Violet answered to which her brother replied, "I'm sure if all three of us work together, we could."

"What's the point?" Sunny asked and Violet added, "I'm too tired." Klaus looked at each of his sisters and stated, "But everything that we're searching for could be behind this stove. Violet, Sunny, don't give up now."

The two female Baudelaires sighed and decided to let Klaus have his way. As the three of them leaned against the stove, the eldest orphan remarked, "If all three of us push at the same time perhaps we can jar it loose." Klaus and Sunny nodded in understanding as Violet added, "On the count of three?"

"One," Sunny said.

"Two," Klaus added.

"Three!" all of the Baudelaires said at once and then shoved the stove with all of their might.

The large iron stove shook and slid across the tile floor slightly and Klaus beamed, glad that they were succeeding. Again the Baudelaire orphans pushed the stove a little further, and with each shove they slid it a tad farther out and also became more exhausted.

"Stop!" Sunny declared abruptly and her older siblings complied, collapsing onto the cold floor. As Klaus and Violet caught their breathe, Sunny reached into the opening that her and her siblings had just made and got her grasp on something small and firm. Using her small size, the former toddler reached a bit further and pulled it all the way out into the open.

It is here at this moment that I am happy to say the Baudelaire orphans were triumphant, a word I feel that I do not get to use often enough in their stories; but at this moment they indeed word triumphant a word which here means that Sunny had succeeded in finding that which they'd spent the half of the night searching for within the Anxious Clown, and that others had spent a whole lifetime trying to find; and even more had died for and quite a few had fallen in love over.

The Baudelaires had found the sugar bowl.

**_What lies ahead for the orphans? Truths? Lies? Or something inbetween? The secret is out! Read and review, please! :]_**


	8. Seven

**_Dear Reader, I offer you a special gift this holiday weekend, a secret which has held the interest of many volunteers over the ages, the sugar bowl, but... be warned, the truth is sometimes both a blessing... and a curse. _**

**_Seven_**

There is an old saying that goes "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" and it is used as a word of encouragement for someone who perhaps is tackling a rather large feat or is intending to go on such a trip.

However as inspiring as this may be for someone who is going on such a trip, there are still quite a few factors that need to be considered. For example, even though the journey does indeed begin with a single step; you should consider all of the steps that must be taken after that one seeing as a thousand miles is a rather far distance even for the most stalwart and noble volunteers to attempt to cross and then there is footwear to consider because if you chose to wear steel toed boots, although convenient for working in the sand or in construction, I can assure you if you wanted to travel a thousand miles you wouldn't want to wear this type of footwear because they can become quite uncomfortable after about twenty miles or so.

There are also obstacles that you must go thru, such as weather, traffic, oceans, trained crows, cities, detours and cow fields and each of these can make the journey of a thousand miles seem considerably longer and more daunting and cause some to give up before even considering such a trip. So even though this inspiring phrase may make you think you can undertake such a trip, you might want to reconsider; especially whenever you realize that the destination you're headed to isn't that great after all.

The reason I am beginning this chapter with this old saying is because the Baudelaire's journey did begin with a single step, quite some time ago whenever they turned from standing on Briny Beach to hear Mr. Poe tell them that their parents had perished in an unfortunate event and they have been traveling ever since thru miserable circumstances that have ranged from being stuck in the Orphan Shack at the Prufock Preparatory School to hiding in the back of Olaf's trunk after escaping the Heimlich Hospital all the way to escaping the blaze of the Hotel Denouement alongside their ominous opponent in a small boat and winding up stuck on an island for over a year.

But that single step that the Baudelaire orphans made so long ago that sometimes they forgot about that awful day considering everything that has happened since, was the beginning of a long journey for the children; that may or may not be a thousand miles seeing as I've never actually calculated the distance that Klaus, Sunny and Violet actually traversed.

The children may have thought therefore that when they sat there in the cold floor of the Anxious Clown diner and discovered the hiding place of the sugar bowl, behind the heavy stove that the three children had just shoved out of the way; that their journey was now coming to an end and they had arrived at the answers they'd been seeking. A

fter all, whenever they'd first heard of the sugar bowl; ages ago atop Mt. Fraught and the two treacherous thieves whom I refuse to name seemed rather interested in finding it and Count Olaf had also apparently spent most of his life searching for it; and many of their fellow volunteers had even died trying to protect it such as Kit and Jacques Snicket, Dewey Denouement, Justice Strauss, and others that they had never met or might never get the chance to thank properly.

And the Baudelaires no doubt considered their own personal struggles such as the time that they spent with Captain Widdershins searching for the sugar bowl, or how they'd tried to ascertain whether Frank had assigned them to locate the sugar bowl; unless of course it was Ernest.

So now that the sugar bowl was there right in front of their eyes, the children could hardly believe their eyes and Sunny, Klaus and Violet stared at it for a long moment and no one said a word. Finally, the eldest Baudelaire remarked, "Well, I guess we should open it up."

Klaus however stated in hesitation, "I'm not so sure… you know they say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step; and now we've found the sugar bowl. Do you think we should open it?"

"You said it yourself, Klaus; all of the answers we're searching for maybe inside this," Violet answered. Sunny slid the sugar bowl over to her siblings and said, "I guess it is time to find out."

The former infant slowly undid the lid of the sugar bowl, and once it was unfastened; all three of the children looked inside and stared down into the sugar bowl. Klaus, Violet and Sunny didn't say a word as the middle Baudelaire reached inside and took out the contents of the sugar bowl, that had been partially covered with sugar some time before.

Shaking off the sugar, Klaus carefully took off the rubber band that surrounded the small parcel and then slowly unfolded it in front of his siblings. Once he had finished doing so, Sunny and Violet stared at him just as hard as he did; and each of the Baudelaires felt quite confused.

If you have read this far into the story of these miserable children, I'm sure you are just as eager to discover the contents of the sugar bowl as they are.

But there is an old saying, similar to the one that I have mentioned about a journey that starts with a single step; although this phrase is slightly different in its meaning. The phrase is "better left unknown" and it's quite easy to understand whenever you consider that there are many things in this world that shouldn't be learned.

For example, it is quite likely that you agree people should learn to read and write because these tasks are important for survival unless you live in the rainforest. But there are other things that sometimes we shouldn't learn, such as how to be vicious or how to operate a handgun; seeing as these activities are dangerous and can lead to problems.

So whenever I am referring to the phrase "better left unknown" in reference to the sugar bowl, it means that I feel that the contents of it are better left unknown just as the Captain of the _Queequeg_ once told Violet that young people don't need to be aware of the Great Unknown. This being the case, I encourage you to

**STOP!**

Read no further in this story, relating to the Baudelaires or their tragic tale at the Anxious Clown diner; and go back to whatever it was you were doing and leave the contents of the sugar bowl better left unknown.

**STOP!**

From learning just as Klaus, Violet and Sunny did what was inside the parcel that they found inside the sugar bowl, and just in case you do feel you need to find out what was inside; let me remind you again that this is not the end of the Baudelaire's journey at all but rather another step in a trip that would not be over for quite some time to come.

_**STOP!**_

Klaus finished unfolding the parcel and studied it carefully as his siblings looked over his shoulder and finally the middle orphan declared, "It looks like it's a map."

In fact that was precisely what it was that the orphans had found inside the sugar bowl and as Klaus, Violet and Sunny examined the map; they heard a soft sound from the outer portion of the diner and the siblings stopped from looking at their discovery and listened as they heard glass shatter.

Suddenly, Beatrice was awake and Violet hastened to keep her adopted sister from making any noise and glanced out the double doors of the kitchen and saw what was going on, which caused the oldest orphan to nearly stop in her tracks. There reaching thru the dark shattered glass of the door to the Anxious Clown, was the Baudelaire's nemesis; Mister Dominic.

"Klaus! Quickly! Hide that map!" she told her brother as her youngest sister cried softly, upset that her sleep had been disturbed. Mister Dominic's shiny eyes heard her and glanced around the diner, to which Violet turned to Klaus and said, "Hurry! Hide it anywhere!"

The middle Baudelaire didn't hesitate and stuck the map into another pot before muttering, "What're we going to do?" But before anyone could make any suggestions, the dangerous villain stepped thru the double doors of the Anxious Clown and stared down at the four siblings with a sinister smile.

"Well, well; Baudelaires. Why am I not surprised that you are here at this time of night?" Mister Dominic muttered as the doors swung closed behind him and he stood before Klaus, Sunny, Beatrice and Violet; towering over them and pulling out his comb to comb his shiny hair before remarking, "I must admit I didn't expect you to survive the blaze that I set at the Ned H. Rirger Theater, but then again; you children are rather resilient; much like roaches can be."

"You can't beat us, because you may think you are smarter than us but we've managed to survive so far!" Sunny countered and her siblings wished that their younger sister hadn't been so brave. Mister Dominic laughed and remarked, "If it hadn't been for me, all of you would be long gone by now! Those two that I met with for brunch aren't the most jovial sort; as you children have probably guessed by now."

Sunny Baudelaire grew silent at this as Mister Dominic took another step closer and then noted what Klaus was holding and laughed again. "It looks like you four orphans have once again inadvertently helped me, now I don't have to waste what little time I have left searching thru this dismal diner," the villain remarked with a sneer.

Klaus stared down at the sugar bowl and stated, "We'll never give this to you."

"Oh but I think you will," Mister Dominic said, no longer smiling as he glared down at the Baudelaires and added, "I can dispose of all four of you right now if I so wished."

"Klaus, just give it to him," Violet told her brother.

"But we've worked so hard to find it," the middle orphan stated.

"It's not worth more than our lives is it?" Sunny asked.

"But we have no idea whether or not he'll even let us live!" Klaus pointed out. Mister Dominic was regarding all of them and then said, "I promise I will do you no harm if you give me the sugar bowl, Klaus."

The middle Baudelaire held firmly to the sugar bowl, but also recalled that he had already hidden the map elsewhere in the kitchen of the Anxious Clown, so reluctantly; he passed the small vessel from the tea set to their adversary.

Mister Dominic held the sugar bowl in his hands, and then asked the children, "Have you looked inside it?"

Violet shook her head and replied, "No, we only found it whenever you arrived."

The fiendish foe smiled and then did something that none of the Baudelaires were expecting, and I'm rather sure if you had been there at the same time that Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice you would've shouted the same thing that the four orphans did whenever Mister Dominic suddenly raised the sugar bowl above his head and then smashed it down onto the floor of the kitchen.

"Stop!"

All of the orphans declared at the same time, but it was too late as the sugar bowl shattered into a million pieces and the contents of it went in every direction.

As the loud crash of the sugar bowl deafened the children's ears, it is my sad duty to report that all of the answers they'd been seeking within it were gone as well.

For had they only had ten more minutes, perhaps Klaus would've thought to pour the sugar out of the bowl and if they had had a little time before Mister Dominic arrived perhaps Violet would've wondered if the map was the only thing inside the sugar bowl and if they'd stopped to think about it Sunny might've thought to look inside the sugar bowl once the sugar had bee poured out and to look and see the engraving there, but sadly the children would never learn of this just as you will never be able to now that Mister Dominic has dashed all of our hopes and dreams into a million tiny pieces that were scattered across the floor of the Anxious Clown.

The villain cackled at the children's surprise and then stated, "I'm sorry children, but that was better left unknown. Now… will you please tell me where the contents of the sugar bowl are at?"

"Why did you do that?" Sunny asked. "

Was there something there inside it?" Violet pondered to which Mister Dominic turned to Klaus and stated, "The map, if you please; Klaus."

The middle Baudelaire; still too stunned from the devious act that Mister Dominic had just performed looked up at their nemesis in defiance and stated, "First you tell us why you smashed the sugar bowl."

"I was ordered to do so," Mister Dominic said simply and then added, "The information contained within it was too dangerous. It managed to clear his name and might've caused a disruption in our plans already. I couldn't allow other volunteers to learn what was inside, lest things go awry."

"Those two wicked judges instructed you to do that?" Sunny asked in surprise, to which the villain said, "The hour is growing later than I expected so I believe that time is short, Baudelaires. Give me the map now, Klaus."

"You won't destroy it?" the middle orphan asked. "I promise I won't," their adversary answered, and carefully Klaus passed it to Mister Dominic; who unfolded it and then asked, "Do you know where this leads, children?"

"We didn't get much time to examine it," Violet remarked. "We were interrupted," Sunny answered. Mister Dominic ignored their complaints and then walked over to the ice machine that was on the far side of the kitchen, crunching the sugar beneath his shoes as he went; and stated, "I'm sure when you first arrived at this diner you noted that this device isn't functioning properly."

"How did you know that?" Klaus asked. "Because it is in fact not an ice machine at all; but rather a Visually False Distraction, created by V.F.D. to hide what was behind it," Mister Dominic said pointing to the map and explaining, "This is a blueprint of the secret passageways that V.F.D. used throughout their organization, and according to it; there is one right behind this ice machine."

Smiling as if he were considering something amusing, the dangerous and deceitful arch-enemy of the Baudelaires declared, "You three children managed to shove that stove out of the way to find the sugar bowl; so it shouldn't be hard for you to do the same to this ice machine."

Before they could object, the villain snatched Beatrice from Violet's grasp and remarked, "Hurry up too, orphans; we haven't all night you know."

"Leave our sister alone!" Sunny yelled.

"No harm will come to her if the three of you speed it up," Mister Dominic assured them as Beatrice cried louder. Klaus and his sisters began to push the side of the ice machine, working their hardest to do so; but Violet said, "This is twice as heavy as the stove."

"Don't test my patience," the villain warned. Suddenly, the entire Visually False Distraction began to move and the Baudelaires stood back as it slid out of the way, revealing just as their nemesis had claimed; a secret dark tunnel leading away from the Anxious Clown diner into the sewer system below.

"That's more like it," Mister Dominic snarled, passing Beatrice over to the oldest orphan and proceeding down the tunnel without hesitation. Klaus was still staring down at the mess that the sugar bowl had made on the floor as Violet tried to comfort their adopted sister and Sunny said, "We should follow him!"

"I'm sure it would only lead to more uncomforting discoveries," Klaus lamented as he stared down at the fragments of the sugar bowl, but Violet said, "We need to catch up with him, even if we're not on the same side; he knows more about this then we do so we have to discover why he shattered the sugar bowl."

Klaus nodded reluctantly and then followed his sisters into the corridor.

The children began yet another journey, and this one seemed to last for quite a while as well. It wasn't a thousand miles, but as they traveled, the Baudelaires could tell that they were moving farther below the surface of the ground and farther away from the diner into the unknown.

Somewhere ahead in the murky passage, Mister Dominic was waiting; or walking ahead of them so the children were cautious as they traversed the tunnel and then came to an abrupt halt whenever Klaus bumped into their nemesis, which caused Sunny to trip and fall into the water in front of all of them. Mister Dominic reached in and snatched her out before she was sopping wet and then turned to the children as he ignited his lighter and remarked, "Why am I not surprised that the four of you chose to follow me?"

"Why did you stop?" Violet asked as she cradled Beatrice closer, who had just now begun to relax again. "

I think it should be obvious, Violet; I would've proceeded but this is as far as I can go," Mister Dominic replied and then gestured to what was in front of them and the children realized that their adversary was telling the truth.

For this was actually not the end of their journey, as I already explained; but an obstacle in their way. Just as the sugar bowl had fallen and shattered now they stood in the darkened path and in front of them, the tunnel was flooded; blocking further passage. It was just as their adversary had said, for now they had gone as far as they could go.

**_Disappointment is for dinner! Read and review please! Are you disappointed? Shocked? Have more questions than answers? :P then I've done my job! _**


	9. Eight

_**Author's Note: What an Unfortunate New Year is in store for the Baudelaires! I hope you're having a better one! Also in response to several requests, i have sectioned out my first story into 15 chapters; to make it easier to read! ^_^ now on to bigger and better things!**_

_**Eight**_

To go as far as you can usually means that you have reached the end. But as I have emphasized several times, although it seemed that the Baudelaires had gone as far as they could go; this wasn't the case and their series of unfortunate events was far from over.

So whenever they had gone as far as they could go in the dark tunnel behind the Anxious Clown, this was not actually as far as they could go; it was simply as far as they could go for now.

The end of the Baudelaires' story wouldn't take place for quite some time; so it is obvious to conclude that the flooded passage in front of Klaus, Beatrice, Sunny and Violet was a mere obstacle and not in fact as far as they could go.

Their conniving companion, Mister Dominic frowned at this discovery; because apparently the dangerous villain wasn't expecting to find the tunnel flooded and turned toward the four siblings as if this development were their fault.

His shiny eyes passed over each of them until he met Violet's gaze and stated, "I suppose this is somewhat of a setback for me, orphans. We can't go any further down this tunnel."

"What was down there?" Klaus asked in confusion as he looked into the murky waters and could tell that the tunnel continued for quite a while. "

I'm sure you would like to discover that, Klaus. But some things are better left unknown," Mister Dominic stated, calling to mind the recent rash action he took in smashing the sugar bowl on the floor of the Anxious Clown's kitchen.

"You're giving up?" Sunny asked in surprise, for she had never known of their enemy to do so in the past.

In answer, the Baudelaire's nemesis shook his head and said, "I am not the type of person to give up easily, children. But is obvious that I won't be able to swim the rest of the way, especially in these clothes."

"So what're you going to do?" Violet wondered.

The vile villain gazed at the eldest Baudelaire for a moment and then replied, "Why, the very same thing that you children are going to do… head home and have a good night's rest."

Then their opponent strode back the way he had come as if the statement he had just made was the most reasonable one of all.

But so much had happened in the short amount of time since Mister Dominic had arrived, so the children weren't quite sure what to make of this especially since their adversary had apparently been rather interested in finding out what was at the end of the tunnel; so Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice were all aware that this simply couldn't be as far as their nemesis wished to go.

Still, for the time being; the orphans recognized that they couldn't stay inside the dank tunnel, especially since it was possible that Mister Dominic might slide the ice machine back in place thus trapping the Baudelaires inside.

So the four of them walked back the way they had come, realizing that for now this was as far as they could go. Once they had made it back to the Anxious Clown diner, Klaus stared down at the remains of the sugar bowl that were scattered across the floor and commented, "We came so close to finding the answers that we sought and then Mister Dominic shattered them into a million pieces."

"I suppose we'll have to search for answers elsewhere," Sunny conceded as she and Beatrice got a broom and a dustpan and began to sweep up the mess that had been made.

As they continued to do this, Violet shed a few tears and Klaus turned to her and cried softly as well. Their two younger siblings looked at them in surprise and Sunny asked, "What is the matter?"

"I was just thinking about all of the brave volunteers who sacrificed so much for the sugar bowl," Violet explained.

"Me too," Klaus said and began to list them, "Dewey and Kit and Phil and Justice Strauss and Jerome Squalor and so many others. Even our parents."

"And now with one swift move, Mister Dominic has destroyed it and whatever else was inside," the eldest Baudelaire declared.

"That's what I've been wondering," Klaus muttered as his sisters finished cleaning the mess and added, "What else might have been in there?"

"I wonder if the map we found was the only thing hidden in the sugar bowl?" Sunny asked and quickly added speculatively, "Perhaps someone took whatever was inside and replaced it with the map?"

"Speculation will get us nowhere," Violet commented and then said, "We should head back to Hazy Harbor and inform Falo that we have failed."

"How are we going to get there? It's across town," Sunny pointed out as she looked at the clock that now said it was one o'clock in the morning, although the former infant was fairly certain it was later than that.

"Why I can give you a ride, orphans," a voice said to their right. Klaus, Beatrice, Violet and Sunny stopped what they were doing and turned to see that Mister Dominic had been waiting there for them the whole time.

The dastardly counselor from the Very Fine Dwelling was no longer smiling because of all the wicked deeds that he had done, but he was still clutching the map that the Baudelaires had found within the sugar bowl and was now looking at each of the orphans thoughtfully.

But what was almost as frightening as Mister Dominic himself was the suggestion that the villain had made to take the children home and Klaus asked, "What is it that you want here?"

"I think you misunderstand, Klaus. I've already accomplished my mission and that tunnel is as far as I can go; so it is time for me to move on," Mister Dominic answered and then added, "This is a one-time offer children. I am choosing to take you to the Lavender Lighthouse rather than dispose of you right now."

"But why would you help us?" Violet wondered.

"Just as noble people can do wicked things, wicked people can do noble things," their adversary replied and then asked again, "Do you want a ride or not?"

Realizing that they really didn't have a choice in the matter, Sunny stated, "All right, we'll go with you."

Their former instructor nodded in satisfaction and then led the way outside of the diner where his vehicle sat. Actually, the automobile that the Baudelaire's nemesis had was more than just an ordinary car; it was a taxi.

Klaus thought back to Falo's comment about the orphans hailing a cab to take them back to Hazy Harbor and wondered if their former guardian had known anything about Mister Dominic's plan to come to the Anxious Clown.

Their opponent opened the back door of his car and remarked, "All right, get in; I have a tight schedule to keep."

Violet, Beatrice, Sunny and Klaus were too tired to argue and even though they didn't trust this fiend in the slightest; they knew that Mister Dominic had once been a noble person and so conceded that maybe wicked people could do noble things, recalling how Count Olaf had tried to save Kit Snicket and helped her give birth to their adoptive sister who was now fast asleep in Violet's arms.

Mister Dominic started up the engine and then drove thru the town of Lake Lachrymose toward Hazy Harbor. For a moment, Violet thought that perhaps the villain planned to kidnap them and for a second Sunny had suspected that their nemesis might throw them out of the car at full speed; but only Klaus had a feeling as to why Mister Dominic had offered to give them a ride but for now the middle Baudelaire chose to keep these thoughts to himself.

"It is a pity that the tunnel was as far as we could go," Mister Dominic was stating as he looked out across the lake and then added, "Had you orphans traversed it, you could've found another sinister secret relating to your parents."

Klaus, Violet and Sunny resisted the urge to sigh; because they all knew that this particular subject had been a favorite pastime for Mister Dominic since they'd first met him, a phrase which here means "the orphan's opponent enjoyed bringing to their attention the fact that their parents weren't quite as noble as the children had originally thought they were".

And he had succeeded in doing this at least twice, first by showing that wicked people could be noble whenever the Baudelaires found an article he'd written during his time working for _The Daily Punctilio_ entitled "_Why It Is Better To Start Fires Rather Than Stopping Them_" and had revealed that noble people, particularly their parents,

could be wicked by forcing them to discover that at least one of their parents was connected to the murder of Olaf's parents.

So whenever Mister Dominic made this comment as they drove toward the Lavender Lighthouse, the children suspected that he was once again bringing this to their attention and they were quite right.

"There was a certain itchytologmist who was devoured by the Lachrymose Leeches some time ago who enjoyed diving from time to time. He would borrow equipment from the Captain of the _Queequeg_ and explore the Rancorous Rocks or the Wavy Whirlpool," Mister Dominic in such a tone that made the children wonder if he was speaking to them or himself and the villain added, "Unfortunately, on that last journey to Curdled Cave to meet with some dangerous realtors; he failed to take his diving equipment with him and perished shortly afterward."

They had almost arrived at Hazy Harbor and the children weren't sure whether to ask him to go on or to remain silent, but thankfully their enemy kept talking by stating, "If my guess is right, somewhere in this old lighthouse he left that equipment. Of course, I'm probably wrong."

He stopped the car in front of the structure and commented, "This is as far as I can go, Baudelaires."

Getting out of the back seat; Klaus, Sunny, Beatrice and Violet started walking toward the lighthouse, but the oldest orphan turned to their adversary and said softly, "Thank you."

"We are not so different, you and I," Mister Dominic whispered back to her and then added, "You should reconsider which side you're on."

She took a step back as the villain rolled up his window and then drove off into the night, leaving the four children there befuddled by his unexpected act of generosity.

"I am so tired," Sunny commented.

"Me too," Klaus added.

"At least we have a few hours to catch some sleep before returning to the diner," the former infant remarked as she cooed to Beatrice. "

Do you suppose it's true about the diving equipment?" Violet asked her siblings as they entered the Lavender Lighthouse. Before any of them got a chance to speculate, however; they saw their hostess, Sally Sebald in the main room waiting for them.

"About time you made it home! What were you children wasting your time with? Were you snooping about the Anxious Clown?" the young blonde wondered suspiciously.

Before Klaus could tell their host about the incident involving the sugar bowl, Sally stated, "And who was driving that taxi that brought you here? He appeared to be a dangerous individual."

And before Sunny could explain the situation surrounding Mister Dominic breaking and entering into the diner, Miss Sebald exclaimed, "Now it's almost time to open up and you've wasted your precious hours of sleep! I'm sure my business will flop because of you, Baudelaires!"

All four siblings were too tired from the night to argue, but Violet said, "It's only one o'clock, isn't it?"

Sally frowned and remarked, "Now I'm really beginning to wonder if any of you will qualify as volunteers. It is almost seven-thirty in the morning and the Anxious Clown opens up at eight!"

Sunny, Violet and Klaus all moaned in dismay as their hostess added, "I'm sorry children, but there just is no time to sleep now; we should leave immediately to start cooking breakfast for our customers who will arrive this afternoon in the morning," Sally stated, making yet another comment about time that didn't sound reasonable.

"Please, can't we rest for a moment before heading back to the diner?" Klaus asked, feeling all of his muscles ache with pain.

"Baudelaires, I'm sorry that you failed to be hasty in your work of cleaning the café; but now time has run out. Not to mention when I woke up I found that your guardian was already gone, so I'm guessing he is headed toward town already," Sally Sebald remarked.

"Falo already left?" Violet asked, rubbing her eyes from exhaustion.

"Yes, in a taxi," the young blonde answered and the four orphans guessed this was what their guardian had meant about a taxi coming to get them.

"So we should be going," Sally insisted, grabbing her car keys.

"Sally! Wait!" the eldest Baudelaire stated and decided to go out on a limb.

This does not mean of course that the oldest of the four children found a tree to climb and chose to go out on one of its branches for amusement as she might've done some time during her childhood; but rather the teenager was going to go out on a limb in another way because this phrase here means "Violet Baudelaire was choosing to trust Mister Dominic" and said to Sally Sebald, "Sally, do you happen to have some old diving equipment stored in the lighthouse?"

The young blonde looked at her suspiciously and then replied, "As a matter of fact, I do; in my bedroom. But why do you ask, Violet?"

"I am an inventor and like to study things, I was curious about it," the eldest Baudelaire fibbed, to which Sally Sebald remarked, "We don't have time to waste on that useless inheritance! We need to get to the diner!"

"Can we take it with us to the Anxious Clown?" Klaus asked. "I suppose, but hurry up! We need to leave immediately," their hostess replied, opening the door to her room for them and adding, "It's behind the front of the back of my bed."

Sunny passed Beatrice to Sally and the infant stirred and began to wake up as the other Baudelaires entered Miss Sebald's room and got out the equipment.

"This is definitely meant for an adult," Klaus commented.

"Maybe so, but it may be the only to get thru that tunnel," Violet decided, at which her brother asked, "Do we really want to find out? Or maybe it is better left unknown?"

"Do you believe it was better for us not to know what was within the sugar bowl?" she countered.

Klaus conceded to this and together the three siblings hauled the equipment to the back of Sally's car. They had all decided to go out on a limb, just as Violet had and trust that their adversary wasn't plotting another trap for them very soon.

It should be noted however that this was quite wrong on their part and you don't have to go out on a limb to guess what will happen to the Baudelaires very shortly. In fact, since you have read quite a few terrible things that have happened already; I would suggest stopping there with those miserable experiences and experiencing no more as Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice surely would.

I would go so far as to tell you that as far as this story is concerned, this is as far as you should go.

For if you were to continue to peruse the next chapter which details what took place whenever they returned to the Anxious Clown, then you would learn even more disturbing facts and might just lose as much sleep as they have or even as much as I have because of it; so please take my sound advice and view this as far as you should go just as the Baudelaires orphans shouldn't have trusted Mister Dominic and should've attempted to flee or find Falo or search for another person driving a taxi since there are almost always two or three roaming about wherever you are.

And since you know that these activities are not what the orphans concerned themselves with, perhaps it should be your concern to be concerned with these concerns and not let the concerns of the Baudelaires concern you anymore, otherwise I am concerned that you will grow so very concerned, a word which here means "wind up almost as miserable as the children were on the following day at the diner."

**As always read and review! ^_^**


	10. Nine

_**Nine**_

The Baudelaires were in a sticky situation, which is something that you don't ever want to be in especially if the phrase is quite literally true and you have found yourself trapped inside a bubblegum factory while you pursued an enemy only to wind up caught in some of the new bubblegum that was being produced there.

Thankfully, the sticky situation that the children found themselves in had nothing whatsoever to do with bubblegum; but rather the practical fact that they needed to sleep.

Klaus, Violet and Sunny were having the hardest time keeping their eyes open as the proprietress of the Anxious Clown, Sally Sebald; drove away from the Lavender Lighthouse toward the restaurant in the town that bordered Lake Lachrymose. And each of the siblings knew that they wouldn't get a chance to rest anytime soon, because Sally had made it abundantly clear that noble volunteers were supposed to cook breakfast before patrons of the café arrived; which was now less than an hour away.

But the sticky situation the children were in wasn't the simple fact that they needed to sleep, but the suspicions that Sally Sebald had voiced about them just moments earlier whenever their adversary Mister Dominic had dropped them off and Klaus and his sisters were beginning to realize that the true goal of their archenemy might have been to cause doubts in this young woman's mind regarding whether or not they were villains or volunteers.

And they were in a sticky situation because Sally had told them that Falo had left early that morning to get to the diner before it opened, but whenever they arrived they found no evidence that the evil twin of Count Olaf was there and realized that some of the debris that Mister Dominic had made the previous night now made the Anxious Clown even more of an eyesore.

"My goodness!" Sally Sebald exclaimed as she stopped the car and rushed to the front door which the orphan's opponent had ruthlessly shattered and then glared at Violet and remarked, "How dare you break my door! Do you realize that this the only front door I have?"

"But I didn't do it!" the eldest Baudelaire declared, trying hard not to sound like a child as she did.

"My sister is telling the truth, the diner was burglarized last night," Klaus stated, to which their hostess replied, "If that is the case, why didn't you use the phone to call me?"

Admittedly, the three children hadn't considered calling for help; but they were so exhausted that none of them had the strength to apologize to Sally.

The young blond reached thru the shattered door and opened it and then switched the sign on the window from

**CLOSED **to **OPEN**

before looking at the siblings again and stating, "It looks like Falo isn't here after all. I wonder where he went to. Do you know anything about this?"

Klaus thought about pointing out that they had been at the café all night, but was so tired that he was at the point of fainting. Sally quickly switched on the lights in the Anxious Clown and said, "All right, Baudelaires; let's get to work. The customers will be here shortly."

The four orphans trudged their way into the kitchen that they'd left only shortly before and Klaus slumped against the stove they'd shoved aside that was still out of place before remarking, "I think it is safe to say we are in a rather sticky situation."

"I'm so tired, I can barely move any of my muscles," Sunny declared.

"I'm so sore from moving that stove and the ice machine and cleaning and exploring that I don't think I have the strength to do anything," Violet lamented.

"But if we fail, Sally will conclude that we must be vicious villains trying to make this diner go under," their brother remarked.

"And we don't have Falo here to protect us," Sunny pointed out, to which the eldest Baudelaire wondered, "Where do you suppose he has gone off to this time?"

"It does seem to be a habit of his," Klaus admitted as he yawned widely and said, "Do we even have time for a short nap?"

"Not if we're going to cook breakfast as Sally requested we do," Violet answered.

It was then that their adoptive sister, Beatrice, who had been listening intently to the entire conversation provided the perfect solution for her and her siblings to get out of this sticky situation by stating, "Ecnatssisa!"

at which all three of the older Baudelaires looked at her in surprise and you might have as well if you understood what Beatrice had just declared.

"I think I have come up with an answer to how the three of you can get some sleep," she might've said or perhaps "I can do some of your chores while one of you sleeps" or maybe even "Sally didn't say I couldn't work, just that she felt I was too young."

No matter which way the infant said what she did; it was clear to Violet, Sunny and Klaus that their adoptive sister was interested in assisting them in any way that she could.

"I suppose that this is worth a try," the oldest Baudelaire declared and added, "Beatrice can cover for one of us so that they may sleep and then once that one has finished; another can rest and Beatrice can cover for them!"

"The first task Sally assigned us was cooking and since I know the most about that; I'll help Beatrice cook. Violet, you should rest," Sunny said to which Klaus added, "And I'll prepare tables for the morning customers."

Violet nodded, especially in thanks to Beatrice for coming up with this brilliant solution and then went to a corner of the kitchen and rested there on the cold floor and despite the fact that this was probably very uncomfortable for the teenager; she fell right to sleep.

Klaus set about placing silverware on the counter and at the booths and on the tables in the Anxious Clown while Beatrice and Sunny cooked a variety of dishes for their morning patrons, which Sally was already allowing to enter the diner.

Glancing at the clock to see what time it was, Sunny frowned in surprise to see that it still read two o'clock in the morning and she wondered why it was wrong.

But choosing not to focus on this, the former infant assisted her sister in making Suspicious Soup and Clown Cakes and Fraudulent French Fries and Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers and Ominous Omelets and Panicky Pancakes and other dishes that were commonly served in the diner for breakfast.

Once they had finished doing this; Sunny woke Violet up and yawned, stating, "I couldn't wait one more minute. I desperately need to sleep."

Violet nodded and stretched from where she had been lying on the floor before commenting, "I think I can make it now."

Allowing her younger sister to rest, Violet took over the task of placing customers at the counter or at the table while Klaus began to cook and Beatrice set about washing any dishes whenever the patrons finished eating. As Sunny rested, the clamor in the Anxious Clown grew louder and the orphans suspected that this was probably the busiest time of the day for the diner and Klaus muttered to his older sister as she took a dish from him, "I wonder why other diners haven't considered setting up shop here at Lake Lachrymose. It seems to have a lot of people today."

"That's because the weather outside is nice," Larry the waiter said angrily as he took a dish from Beatrice and added, "I wish it would storm again so that our business would die down."

As their coworker returned to whatever task he was performing, Klaus yawned widely and nearly fell asleep onto the stove had not Violet caught him and she remarked, "You should've woke Sunny up half an hour ago! You have bags under your eyes."

"I wanted you two to get your sleep, you need it more than I do," the middle orphan stated to which his older sister laughed and said, "I think you believe you can take on the whole world alone sometimes, Klaus."

Nudging Sunny, Klaus told her, "I'm sorry to wake you, but I think I need to sleep now."

Sunny stretched and replied, "It's ok, Klaus. I was having a good dream about better times and I think I can handle the rest of the day now."

Klaus nodded in thanks and then slumped down in the corner and drifted into sleep as his sisters continued to serve the customers of the Anxious Clown. Around six in the morning, which probably meant that it was lunchtime for the diner; business had begun to slow down and Sunny looked outside to see storm clouds gathering and remarked to her sister, "I guess Larry was right and this place gets slow whenever the weather is bad."

"That storm there looks rather awful, doesn't it?" Sally Sebald asked she walked over to them and the orphans flinched and wondered what assignment the hostess had for them now.

"I had my doubts considering how tired you would be this morning, Baudelaires; but it looks like you managed to take care of the day's activity with no problem. I think we'll have to close shop early today because of the bad weather. It may develop into a hurricane," the young blond stated solemnly.

Violet nodded and said, "That's fine, I was wanting to study that diving equipment anyways."

"Oh… you misunderstand me, Violet. I need the four of you to stay here and clean up the diner again for tomorrow. Don't forget that your guardian said you volunteers work here now," Sally Sebald stated.

"That's ok, I'd still like to get it out of your trunk and study it while I clean the Anxious Clown," Violet explained.

"I for one am going home!" Larry said as he took off the snazzy clown suit he was forced to wear all day and then looked like a rather uninteresting person as he opened the broken door of the diner and left them all behind.

"I think I shall return to the Lavender Lighthouse and take a short nap, children. If your guardian should show up, please call and tell me," the young blond stated and then Sunny and Violet followed her to the car as she popped the trunk.

As they hauled the diving equipment out of her car, Miss Sebald remarked, "You're just as inquisitive as Ike was at that age. He and Franklin used to explore every corner of Lake Lachrymose when they were young."

The two female Baudelaires smiled at her compliment, although they didn't know what it meant and then moved the equipment into the diner as Sally Sebald drove off. Beatrice woke up Klaus from his sleep as Sunny and Violet placed the equipment down and began to move the Visually False Distraction that looked like an ice machine.

As it slid out of the way to reveal the dark corridor that ended at the flooded section which Mister Dominic claimed was as far as they could go, Klaus asked, "Is it night already?"

"No, Sally closed the diner early because of the bad weather," the eldest Baudelaire explained and then added, "And we are going to use this equipment to go explore that tunnel."

"I don't think all of us can use it at the same time," the middle orphan observed as they began to lug it down the passage.

"Well if this tunnel is only partially flooded, it must mean that some portion of it up ahead isn't and that whatever is causing the flooding might be there, so maybe only some of us should go and then we can drain the water and the rest can walk?" Violet suggested to which Sunny said, "That makes a certain amount of sense, but how will we know how far this underwater corridor goes?"

"We'll just have to find out," Violet declared as they arrived at the flooded portion of the passage and her siblings helped her and Beatrice into the diving equipment.

Once they were certain it was fastened securely and once Klaus had checked to make certain that the oxygen tank still worked, the other children said farewell to Violet and Beatrice as they began to enter the watery corridor below.

It would be pointless to explain to just how silent the dark depths were that the two children explored, for the quiet that they had to encounter was unlike any they'd dealt with before; so instead of telling you just how slow and boring and quiet their trip was, I will skip over that part of the story entirely.

Water splashed out from all sides as they came thru the top of the tunnel and Beatrice and Violet gazed around at the place they found themselves in, unsure what to make of it. But instead of exploring it, the children got out of the diving equipment they'd used to get there and Violet said, "Try to find some way to drain the water."

The infant crawled on the stone floor of the chamber, which appeared to be made especially for the tunnel they'd just gone thru; and pointed at a lever on the wall proclaiming, "Cadtrata!" Violet didn't have to guess what she meant and quickly pulled it and then turned to watch as the water was lowered and she proclaimed, "Do you think we should explore while we're waiting for them?"

Beatrice shrugged as she gazed at all of the moss and the vines that were protruding on the ceiling which was made of glass and then the eldest Baudelaire decided, "I think we should wait here for Klaus and Sunny."

The two orphans laid against the west stone wall and Violet looked out one window and noted how very far they had traveled. They were now on a hilltop overlooking Lake Lachrymose and she couldn't even spot the neon lights of the Anxious Clown if she tried. Finally, Klaus and Sunny climbed into the chamber as well and Klaus declared, "That drain back there was rather large."

"It's as if someone deliberately flooded it… to prevent passage here," Sunny stated.

"But why? What is this place?" Klaus wondered as he noted all of the destruction that had taken place here and remarked, "It looks like someone burned it to the ground.

" "We're so far from Lake Lachrymose," Sunny observed and then added, "Sally will get mad when she realizes that we didn't clean the diner."

All four of the children could spot the storm approaching off in the distance and Klaus commented, "We should look around before that storm gets here; it is rather bad."

All of the Baudelaires rose from where they'd been sitting on the dusty dirty stone floor and walked down the corridors of the facility and Violet gazed at all of the shattered glass on the floor and then looked up at the broken roof and remarked, "Who would choose to install a roof that is so dangerous in a spot with this kind of climate?"

"Do you suppose this place was used by V.F.D.?" Sunny asked.

"Considering the map we found inside the sugar bowl, it wouldn't surprise me," Klaus stated.

"You mean the one that Mister Dominic took," Violet reminded her brother. Before the middle orphan could point out that their entire expedition to this strange place had been because of Violet's decision to go out on a limb and listen to their adversary's idea, the four orphans froze where they stood because of a sound they heard in front of them; that of footsteps.

Sunny kept Beatrice close to her as the sound of someone approaching grew louder and then finally the stranger came into view and stared down at the four orphans just as they stared up at him.

He was wearing a white lab coat with black overalls and suspenders with a plaid shirt underneath it and his coat was so covered in mud or grime that the children couldn't determine which or even what color it was.

He had large oval glasses and a scraggily beard that covered his chin and equally scraggily hair that was black and large blue eyes that seemed surprised to see the children.

Perhaps most importantly of all, he was wearing rubber gloves; one of which held a handgun and this weapon was pointed directly at the Baudelaires.

_**Plllllleeeeeeeeaase read and review! i haven't recieved reviews in a while :( makes me sad... i have more plans for the Baudelaires! find out soon what will happen now.**_


	11. Ten

_**Ten**_

There is a question that many people have asked at one time or another in their lives, or perhaps several times considering the circumstances; especially if you're traveling.

I myself have to ask it quite frequently in the line of work that I do because it is hard for me to determine things unless I do so and I've asked it in the past before my supposed demise in order to ascertain facts relating to villains and volunteers and others who work with me have had to ask it on many occasions which can vary from day to night to out in the woods to the middle of the street to a field to a skyscraper to a bank to a submarine and

I'm sure during your lifetime you've probably asked it yourself perhaps last Thursday whenever you were there at the designated location to pick up my manuscript or when the waiter who gave you your meal asked if your mother knew where you were and by now you're also probably asking another question that being

"Mister Snicket, what is the question that everyone inevitably asks?" and I suppose it would be the proper thing for me to now explain what that question is because it is the very question that the mysterious stranger asked the Baudelaires had just met in the even more mysterious facility they'd come across and it was also the question Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice asked back to him, almost in the very same breath.

"Who are you?" everyone in the abandoned corridor asked all at once and then just as suddenly, the strange scraggily bearded man took a step back and added, "Don't come a step closer, or I will fire."

"Hold on just a second, there is no need to do that," Klaus said, taking a step forward and calmly explaining, "I think I recognize you. Were you in the Anxious Clown the other day?"

The man in the grimy lab coat hesitated and then nodded toward the middle Baudelaire and stated, "I was trying to find out if my information was correct and that the Baudelaires were there at the café, just as he said they would be."

Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice exchanged glances and then the former toddler declared, "We are the Baudelaires! Sunny, Klaus, Beatrice and Violet!"

The man with the large oval glasses looked at them and admitted, "You certainly look like you could be, although it has been many years since I saw you last and I don't believe you were born yet, Sunny."

"He was in the diner the other day?" Violet asked her brother, to which Klaus answered, "Yes, but I have no idea who he is." The stranger looked apologetic at this and replied, "I'm sorry; I wasn't certain who you were at first, my name is Gustav."

The children looked at each other in surprise and Violet asked, "Gustav Sebald?

" "Ah! So you have heard of me? Excellent," the scraggily bearded man said with a beaming smile to show how proud of himself he was. "Your sister mentions you quite often," Klaus pointed out.

"I wish I had gotten a chance to speak with Sally before I left the Anxious Clown, but I had gathered from the telegram I'd received that time was short and if I stayed that certain dangerous villains would be arriving and we would all be compromised," Gustav stated as he lowered the weapon to his side and added, "After my experience with Olaf, I'm a bit standoffish of confrontations."

"Well, you were correct about that; three dastardly individuals came to the Anxious Clown during the brunch hour. The man with a beard but no hair, the woman with hair but no beard… and Mister Dominic," Sunny stated, to which the older gentleman nodded and said, "Dominic, he has always been dangerous… they must've been there to obtain the sugar bowl."

"You knew it was there?" Klaus exclaimed.

"Absolutely, that's why I came here to the diner; to find it," Gustav answered as they walked down the corridor and he added, "But I didn't have the time to do so when I came to ask for help, Baudelaires. Which by the way; why didn't you respond to the coded message that I gave you, Klaus?"

The children didn't have the courage to tell this strange man the incident involving the sugar bowl just yet, so instead the middle Baudelaire answered the question directly by stating, "I wasn't aware you were speaking to me in code, at least not one I'm familiar with."

Gustav nodded solemnly as they approached a larger portion of the facility where most of the fire seemed to have spread and Mister Sebald stated, "It's just like my old friend, Montgomery Montgomery; I had failed to remember that I had failed to teach him the code." Violet looked at all of the broken tanks that had previously contained large amounts of water and the flora and fauna and commented, "This was an aquatic research station, wasn't it?"

Gustav Sebald nodded toward her and said, "I'm surprised you don't know where you are, children. This is Anwhistle Aquatics… or least it was before the incident."

"You knew Uncle Monty?" Sunny asked, returning to the subject that Gustav had touched on.

"That's right, I'd forgotten that you lived there on Lousy Lane for awhile near to the horseradish factory V.F.D. had procured. Monty never learned Sebald Code, you see; he became obsessed with training reptiles for our work in stopping our enemies," the adult explained.

"I remember," the former toddler said as she reflected on her fondness for the Incredibly Deadly Viper and Gustav Sebald said, "Well, now that you are here; I don't have to worry about anything anymore!"

Klaus, Sunny and Violet all thought that this was a rather bold statement for their new comrade to make and Sunny asked, "Why is that?"

"Because now that the sugar bowl is in our possession, we will surely triumph!" Gustav Sebald declared. Klaus shuffled his feet uncertainly and stated, "There is something you should know about that, Gustav.

" "Oh I'm sure you haven't found it yet, but now we can all look together… those wicked fiends are gone, aren't they?" the scraggily bearded man asked.

"Well, yes… but…" Sunny began, but already their new companion was smiling and stating, "Excellent, then Sally and I can scour the Anxious Clown for the sugar bowl and we can leave toward the rendezveus immediately."

"The sugar bowl was destroyed," Violet said, saying outright what her siblings were afraid to.

Gustav Sebald placed the handgun down on the table and then leaned against it and remarked, "Please tell me this isn't so."

"I'm sorry, but Mister Dominic confronted us and smashed it to pieces; stealing the map that was inside," Klaus explained.

"A map?" the adult asked in confusion and then stated, "I thought he had hidden the figurine inside it?"

"I'm not sure," Sunny admitted and then added, "But I guess a sugar bowl is a convenient way to hide things."

"But Mister Dominic destroyed the sugar bowl itself?" Gustav asked, repeating this fact as well; which led the children to conclude that apparently he had no idea why the villain had chosen to do this just as they didn't.

"He said those two dangerous judges of the High Court told him to smash it to pieces," Sunny explained.

"I wish I had gotten a chance to examine it to learn why they told him to do that," Gustav admitted and then added, "That information could've proven vital to our efforts, children."

"We're sorry," Klaus, Sunny and Violet all said at once; to which Gustav Sebald stated, "It's not your fault, but rather that dastardly Dominic is to blame. I wish I had known way back then how terrible he would turn out to be."

"You knew him when he was a noble individual?" Violet guessed, to which he replied, "That was before the schism and V.F.D. split apart. Things were so much simpler when all of our members used our codes for noble purposes."

The children then realized that they had come across a golden opportunity. A golden opportunity is something that usually only happens once in a lifetime, for example if you were to travel to China and you knew that you didn't understand the language whatsoever and then you happened across a device that automatically translated your voice into the local tongue then you could say that this was a golden opportunity; until of course someone had you arrested for dressing improperly.

But the golden opportunity that was presented to Klaus, Violet, Beatrice and Sunny had nothing to do with learning another language; but rather the fact that Gustav Sebald knew quite a bit of the history of V.F.D. and now was their chance to ask him about it. As they explored the aquatic station, the middle orphan asked, "What exactly happened here, Gustav?"

The man was still shaking his head in disbelief at what happened to the sugar bowl and muttered, "Oh, I'm sorry Klaus; I wasn't listening. Well, I suppose you must remember Fernald?"

The children looked at one another and Sunny replied, "The name sounds familiar; but I'm not sure where I've heard it before."

Gustav Sebald frowned and then walked toward a smaller room in the eastern portion of Anwhistle Aquatics. When he returned, he was holding a picture frame and passed it to the children and explained, "I think this should clear things up for you."

Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice looked at the photograph which had four people in it, although they only recognized three of them and Sunny exclaimed, "Why, it's Captain Widdershins and Fiona!" Klaus then remembered and said, "Fernald was Fiona's brother, but we knew him better as the hook-handed man who was part of Count Olaf's troupe."

"Yes, it was here in this very research station that he lost his two hands during the fire," Gustav explained.

"What happened?" Violet wondered as she tried not to focus on how worried she was for their friends, none of whom they'd seen in quite some time. "Olaf knew that there was something important here at the station, something the volunteers had been working on for quite some time which would combat the villains attempts to spread wickedness… and so Captain Widdershins' nephew came here and burned down the station," Gustav Sebald explained

. "I'm confused, why would he do that when he was working for Count Olaf?" Klaus asked.

"It was actually Isaac who claimed that Fernald had assisted V.F.D., but sadly there was a misunderstanding when Gregor and Ike arrived and Gregor died in the fire after confronting Fernald. When Ike discovered this, he presumed that Fernald was a traitor to the group," Gustav Sebald answered.

"So then the reason he joined Olaf's troupe is because V.F.D. turned their backs on him," Violet realized with a grim realization that the group had done the same thing to them during their stay at the Very Fine Dwelling.

"I suppose you could put it that way," Gustav Sebald conceded and then added, "But Fernald could've easily came and explained himself instead of assisting Olaf in his dangerous schemes."

"I hadn't thought of that," Sunny admitted as the man in the lab coat put the picture back up and explained, "But ever since then members of V.F.D. thought that Fernald murdered Gregor here at the aquatic research station to get what was here. However neither Fernald, nor Josephine's brother-in-law knew that Ike had taken precautions and sent it somewhere safer. I guess that is why Captain Widdershins was always resentful about his nephew's treatment in V.F.D. but all of that is in the past now and it can't be changed."

"I'm not sure I understand what was here at Anwhistle Aquatics that was so important to V.F.D.," Violet remarked.

Gustav sighed and said, "Ike did a lot of different research for the group during his lifetime, but his greatest achievement is here somewhere. I was searching for it when you arrived."

"Maybe we can help you if we know what we are looking for?" Klaus asked.

"Before we continue any further, I should teach all of you Sebald Code; so that if anyone uses it in the future you can know what they are actually saying," Gustav Sebald said, changing the subject entirely and adding, "I invented it; so I should know precisely how it is used."

"Does every member of V.F.D. know this code? Villains and volunteers?" Sunny wondered.

"If they don't, then they should," the scraggily bearded man answered as he opened a rickety door to an office where there was a movie projector and said, "I think you children may have seen some of my films, such as _Zombies In The Snow_; am I right?"

"I think Uncle Monty took us to see that," Violet recalled.

"He enjoyed my films immensely and I had tried to warn him in that play; using Sebald Code, that his assistant was a fraud, a fiend, namely Count Olaf," Gustav explained. "But he never learned the code," Sunny realized. "And Stephano… or rather, Count Olaf; killed him before we could warn him," Violet recalled sadly

. "It wasn't your fault, children; I should've realized you didn't know this code either," Gustav Sebald stated and then turned on the projector and explained, "The code is quite simple. It starts and ends with a bell ringing so you know that it is being used and then the volunteer will say a phrase and every eleventh word that they speak is actually a part of the coded message that they wish to impart to you. Do you understand?"

Beatrice, Sunny, Violet and Klaus looked at each other in complete confusion; because they realized that this code didn't sound so simple at all, but decided not to argue the point with their new friend who went on to explain,

"A perfect example would be what I did at the diner, Klaus. I rang the bell to get an order and then said 'I really came a rather long way trying to find need of assistance in the manner of obtaining food or sustenance. Help if you can, or maybe you can't, considering that many volunteers don't eat here anymore for one reason or another, now please' which was actually a coded message that said 'I need help volunteers, please'; do you see?" The four children felt even more in the dark with this explanation than they did before Gustav had explained it to them and Klaus remarked, "Aren't there easier ways to convey a secret message?"

"I suppose there probably are, but my Sebald Code is the most effective," Gustav said, beaming with joy over his supposedly foolproof code.

"So now that you know this code, you are more qualified as volunteers of V.F.D.," Gustav Sebald explained and then shut off the movie projector and stated, "I'm sorry; I did get us sidetracked, didn't I?"

"That's quite all right, the history of your organization is very important to us," Sunny stated honestly.

"We have so many questions for you," Violet replied.

"Do you know what caused the schism?" Klaus asked.

"Are you aware of what happened to the other members of V.F.D.?" Sunny wondered. "Do you know ERT might stand for?" Violet asked and this seemed to catch Gustav's attention.

His eyes widened just like his sister's had and the scraggily bearded man asked, echoing her words, "Where did you hear about that?"

Before the children got a chance to explain themselves, however; it is my sad duty to report that yet another person arrived at the abandoned research station and this one was neither friendly nor a stranger to the Baudelaires.

He was holding in his right hand the weapon that Gustav had set down moments earlier whenever the children had informed him about the catastrophe regarding the sugar bowl and his eyes were gleaming wickedly as he stared at all of them and Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice gasped; surprised to see that Mister Dominic had followed them to Anwhistle Aquatics.

"Thank you for helping me, children," the villain said as he pointed the weapon toward Gustav and asked, "Now tell me, my old friend; where have you hidden the Medusoid Mycelium?"

**_Uh oh trouble again! please someone review i need a review! pleaseeeeee_**


	12. Eleven

_**Eleven**_

There are many things in this world that are quite dangerous and that we should avoid at all costs and some of these include daggers, knives, handguns, harpoons, dynamite, poisons, saws, chandeliers, matches, bombs, tanks,

cars, letters to the editor, sandpaper, dangerous villains, coded messages, sandwiches without mustard, bank robbers, trains, termites, octopuses, rulers used in school, bananas, doilies, floods, tornados, lice, bad recipes, infernos, evil girlfriends, royal gardens, lumber mills, leeches, hypnotists, wicked assistants, disguises, unreliable newspaper articles,

lions, snow gnats, kittens, troupe members, flooded passageways, abandoned buses, circuses, half-built hospitals, coral reefs, odious lusts after finances, thieves, trained eagles, snow scouts, Incredibly Deadly Vipers, xylophones, zoos, telegrams, misguiding obituaries, jealous bachelors, forged paintings, scam artists, artists,

architects, beaches, vice presidents in charge of orphans' affairs, evil twins, identical twins, predecessors, tomato relish, needles, bones, meals without tapioca pudding, magistrates, surgeries, Venus fly traps, French restaurants, Doctor's appointments,

trips to the dentist, tripping, elevator shafts, fishnets, unknowns, the metric system, jungles, machines, computers, headlights, antlers, hurricanes, Al Funcoot, empty boxes, sonnets, couplings, carriers, mailmen, milk women, lighthouses, badgers, badges, boats, famous plays, Olaf-Land, elephants, dangerous taxi drivers, orphans, thirteen volumes of unfortunate events,

lists of useless information, dictionaries without every word in them, lunchboxes hiding weapons, weapons hiding lunchboxes, guitars, dinosaurs, Virginia Wolfe snake, birthday parties, hidden chambers, old photo albums,

Pig Latin, roasted beef, old movies, crayons, Igpay Atinlay, unrequited love, murderers, writers, typewriters, rapiers, My Silent Knot, wishful thinking, ferries that have terrible engines, names that are too difficult to pronounce, libraries that don't use the Dewey Decimal System, I have hidden this message among a long list at the beginning of this chapter hoping no one will think to read all of it but rather skip down to the more important portion of the chapter and am also inclosing a list of items you should bring with you, which should also make it seem part of the original list I mentioned; maps, car keys, commonplace book, the tickets to _La Forza De Destinio_, shovels,

a disguise for both of us, the money needed to purchase this manuscript, pencil and paper, erasers, a map of Lake Lachrymose, a copy of _Ivan Lachrymose: A History of Lachrymose_, that map you drew the other day and thumbtacks and the rest of this list is of no consequence to you so please hurry and I hope to see you soon, with all due respect, L.S., bottle caps, bottle rockets, unicorns, bottles,

natural disasters, dinner guests that show up uninvited, wire hangars, diving equipment, handguns, people with six fingers on their right hand, aquatic research stations, men in black, bullfighters, people dressed as bullfighters, O and E, D and N, R and T, the bottom of the ocean, trampolines, phonebooks with numbers missing, suspiciously linked accounts,

poor actors, mimes, mutes and a long list of dangerous items that I cannot even begin to fathom; but that are equally dangerous. But none of these dangerous things in anyway compares to the dangerous item that Mister Dominic just inquired about and none ever will, for there is nothing more dangerous in this world than the Medusoid Mycelium.

Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice stood rigidly whenever their archenemy Mister Dominic had arrived at Anwhistle Aquatics and now they were even more frightened by his request to obtain this dangerously poisonous organism and the children could only wonder what hideous plan he had in store for it if he did in fact get his hands on it. Waving the handgun toward Gustav Sebald again, their nemesis remarked, "Perhaps you are quite deaf, Dr. Sebald? I requested the location of the Medusoid Mycelium. Are you going to tell me where it is or will I have to start firing a few rounds?"

"This is why you wanted us to find the diving equipment in the Lavender Lighthouse," Klaus exclaimed. "You tricked us to drain the water for you," Sunny stated. "You children do seem to have a knack for figuring things out whenever it is too late to do anything whatsoever about it," Mister Dominic observed and then turned to the adult and stated, "Or perhaps I should threaten one of these miserable orphans? They are of no consequence to me, you know."

"Leave the Baudelaires out of this, Dominic," Gustav said and stood protectively in front of the children.

"Hmm, you know I recall Isaac said the same thing before I shot him," Mister Dominic said thoughtfully as he reflected on some wicked deed he'd done in the past and then replied, "Unfortunately, I still need you alive, Gustav; so tell me where I can find the Medusoid Mycelium."

"If you promise to not harm anyone here in Anwhistle Aquatics, I will show you," Dr. Sebald answered, to which the villain answered, "Very well, I promise." He winked toward the four siblings and stated, "I believe the Baudelaires have already found that I am a man of my word." Beatrice, Klaus, Violet and Sunny shivered involuntarily at their adversary's awful display of despicability and then Gustav walked toward the back of the aquatic research station and said, "How did you even know it would be here, Dominic?"

"I know that one of our Prime Ministers took some with him quite some time ago and he informed my contacts and I that the research for the Medusoid Mycelium had occurred in this very lab," Mister Dominic answered and turned to the children before commenting, "I bet you didn't realize that V.F.D. could be behind something so sinister, did you?"

"It was a last effort to stop the wickedness, but we inadvertently became wicked ourselves. Fernald realized that," Gustav proclaimed as they walked down a flight of stairs. The orphan's opponent kept his gun at the back of the scraggily bearded man at all times as the group moved thru the abandoned corridors of Anwhistle Aquatics and Mister Dominic commented, "Yes, but it is too bad some of you volunteers felt that he was a traitor; otherwise maybe the schism might not have been quite as severe?"

"What's done is done," Dr. Sebald said and then pointed toward a portion of the floor that had apparently rotted away. There growing thru the tile was the object of Mister Dominic's desire, the Medusoid Mycelium and currently the mushrooms were waning instead of waxing; something that made everyone feel a lot safer.

"Marvelous," Mister Dominic said as he took out a glass jar he'd been carrying and scooped up one of the mushrooms in it before commenting, "I wish Gregor Anwhistle were still alive. I would congratulate him personally." He kept the handgun pointed toward Gustav and stated ominously, "Of course I could say the same of your parents, Baudelaires."

"Our parents weren't involved in creating the Medusoid Mycelium!" Sunny objected. "True, but they were leaders of .V.F.D. whenever these malicious mushrooms were concocted; so surely they knew of them," Mister Dominic countered.

Klaus and his sisters didn't know what to say about that and so fell silent as Mister Dominic left the chamber the way they'd come and remarked, "Now if you'll excuse me, I do believe I have to go. I will keep my word and harm no one here in Anwhistle Aquatics as long as you do not follow me." "We will give you an hour's head start," Gustav Sebald conceded, to which their adversary laughed and said, "More than enough." As he turned to leave with the Medusoid Mycelium in one hand and the handgun in the other, Klaus was feeling particularly brave and perhaps particularly foolish and lunged toward their nemesis to grab either one or the other; but the villain was too fast for him and quickly had the middle Baudelaire in an iron grip a phrase which here means, "held him so tightly it was difficult to breathe."

"Leave our brother alone!" Sunny stated. "I must admit, had I not given you my word; I would snap your neck where you stood," Mister Dominic whispered in his ear and then added, "Tell your sister to remember what I told her." Shoving him back toward the group, Gustav caught Klaus before he fell and then they watched as Mister Dominic departed with the Medusoid Mycelium.

"Are you all right, Klaus?" Violet asked, checking to see if her brother had any injuries.

"Only my pride is hurt," he commented. "I think it is time for us to leave as well, Baudelaires; we only have a couple of hours after all," Gustav Sebald said as he walked back up the flight of stairs; apparently unconcerned that the Medusoid Mycelium had just been stolen.

The Baudelaires had so many questions on their mind that they weren't sure to start and so therefore quietly followed the adult into his office, where the scraggily bearded man procured some matches and proclaimed, "I should've done this whenever I arrived, but I felt it was wrong for me to do so… but I believe it is the only way to prevent that fungus from ever being misused again."

"You'll burn the last remnants of the mushrooms," Klaus said, nodding in understanding. "I should've guessed that dangerously poisonous mushroom was what Mister Dominic wanted all along," Gustav lamented as he got some old papers from a file cabinet and added, "But now the secret to creating that dangerous weapon will die just as quickly as Gregor did."

Tossing the papers toward the mushrooms and then lighting the match, Gustav and the Baudelaires watched as the tiny patch of the Medusoid Mycelium burnt and fell apart and once they were certain nothing was left; Sunny said, "I suppose this is one instance in which starting a fire is better than stopping it."

Her siblings made no comment about this remark and Dr. Sebald remarked, "We can take my car to the Lavender Lighthouse to meet up with your current guardian and my sister."

The children followed him outside onto the winding hilltop that overlooked Lake Lachrymose, their heads still reeling from everything that had just happened and also feeling quite tired because they still hadn't gotten the full amount of sleep that they needed.

Doctors and other people who try to seem important have noted that sleeping often helps the brain to function and to think properly, just as food helps to give us energy and keeps us from becoming extremely skinny; so since the Baudelaires were very tired they had no way to ask the questions that were really on their mind. For example, had she not fallen asleep against her old brother;

Sunny might've wondered what the past was concerning Mister Dominic whenever he'd been a noble individual and had he not been so drowsy, Klaus might've been thinking about the schism and how that it had apparently gotten larger mostly due to a misunderstanding and if her brain had been fully running,

Violet might have considered that the members of V.F.D. were responsible for the creation of the Medusoid Mycelium, which was a very dangerously poisonous plant that they'd just disposed of and Beatrice; although only a year old; could've thought about the significant role older members of V.F.D. had apparently played in causing her life to be full of turmoil were she not asleep in the eldest Baudelaire's embrace.

All four of the children however, could only think of one thing as Gustav drove down the road away from Anwhistle Aquatics toward the town of Lake Lachrymose and that was just how tired they were and how much sleep they really needed; so the children took this opportunity to rest in the back seat of yet another vehicle and didn't wake up until they arrived at the Lavender Lighthouse. And since this was a little break from the action for the Baudelaires,

I suggest you take this moment to take a break from the action in this miserable story; if indeed it is exciting you and you are also interested in reading more about a fact which concerns me enough already. I recommend you get yourself something to eat or drink or perhaps even take a short nap yourself just as the Baudelaires did during this short trip and maybe sometime during your trouble someone will dispose of this book,

thus saving you the trouble of having to read any further whatsoever this dismal portion of the Baudelaires' lives and to continue to go about your lives as you would normally; rather then read what occurred whenever Gustav and the children arrived at the Lavender Lighthouse. For when they did reach it,

Gustav immediately noted that there were no cars outside and Klaus saw that the door to the structure was wide open and Violet realized that it was empty and Sunny wondered where Sally had gone off to and Beatrice was asleep. Heading into the lighthouse, Gustav checked every portion of the upper levels and then declared, "It looks like my sister isn't here, children. This is quite odd. I've never known her to leave home without leaving a note."

"I think I found the note," Sunny declared as she came out of the room that Falo had been staying in and stated, "But I think it is from Falo, not Sally." "Still, this is better than nothing at all," Gustav conceded as he sat down on the first step of the stairs that led to the upper portion of the lighthouse and looked over the note that the children's guardian had sent them.

"I think this message may be in code, children and I don't have the proper supplies to translate it," he explained and then seemed to have an idea and declared, "I think I have a few notes on this particular code back at Anwhistle Aquatics, or rather; Ike left some there." Passing Falo's note to Violet, Gustav Sebald declared, "You four children wait here and I will return in a short period of time."

As their new companion rushed back to his vehicle, Klaus took the note from Violet's weary grasp and began to study it. As he did so, Sunny yawned and laid beside Beatrice and took a nap and Violet searched in the small pantry that Sally had for anything good to eat. The Baudelaires were still in a sticky and dangerous situation, especially because now their adversary had obtained the very deadly Medusoid Mycelium and was headed to who-knows-where and they had nothing to go on except for the fact that Mister Dominic had again succeeded in making them question their parents' loyalties and whether or not they were noble people or not.

Violet made cereal for all of them as she tried hard to not think of all the things they'd dealt with since their arrival at Lake Lachrymose and turned to see that Klaus was carefully studying the note which Falo had left. "I think I may understand what it is that Falo was trying to tell us, but I'm not sure," he admitted as he continued to read over it.

"Why is that, Klaus?" Sunny asked as she yawned, trying to keep awake as Violet passed her something to eat. "The style of this code. I've seen it somewhere before," their brother answered. Violet looked over his shoulder and asked, "Is it Sebald Code?" "No, I don't think so because as far as Falo knows; we don't know that code yet," Klaus stated.

"I'm not even sure I understand it," Sunny admitted. "I wish we'd had time to ask Gustav more questions about our parents," Violet said. "There will be time for that later, right now we have to stop Mister Dominic," Sunny said. "I got it!" Klaus roared in excitement as he leapt from where he sat and said, "I think I know what code Falo is using."

"What's that, Klaus?" Violet asked. "It's the very same one we've seen before when Aunt Josephine hid from Count Olaf," he answered and then began to set to work.

**_More is ahead in the final chapters of this story! read and review! :D please?_**


	13. Twelve

_**Twelve**_

In many stories, whenever the characters are going thru a particularly rough set of circumstances such as facing off against a dastardly villain atop an unsafe roof or watching as eagles are called down from above to attack; the author might consider using a phrase that will reassure you and this phrase would be "the worst was over with" and it would mean to tell you that the most dangerous portion the story, the part you had already read was the worst part of the story and so everything past this point would be well worth reading.

The story of the Baudelaires however is not one of these books I have mentioned, because for the children the worst was not over with; even though this might've seemed the case.

After all, several terrible events had already occurred since their arrival at Lake Lachrymose to work as volunteers at the Anxious Clown diner and all of them centered around the Baudelaires' archenemy Mister Dominic who will thankfully not be rudely showing up until a later time when it is convenient for him to do so.

The first had been the brunch that Sunny had witnessed Mister Dominic having with the two malevolent magistrates whom the Baudelaires hadn't seen since their escaping from the inferno that blazed at the Hotel Denouement and had presumed incorrectly that these wicked people had died in that fire.

And then that very night whenever their current guardian, the evil twin of Count Olaf; had instructed them to search for the sugar bowl and Klaus and his sisters had found it yet another horrible event occurred whenever Mister Dominic broke into the diner and smashed this vital piece of evidence into a million pieces.

And then most recently and perhaps worst of all, or so the children thought; they had journeyed to the abandoned Anwhistle Aquatics research station and their adversary had found the dangerous and deadly Medusoid Mycelium and he had successfully taken a sample of it for some future foul deed.

So the children had every right to believe that the worst was over with, especially since now they had met Gustav Sebald and his sister Sally and were one step closer to uncovering some of the vital mysteries pertaining to V.F.D. and their parents and now they were sitting at the bottom step of the flight of stairs in the Lavender Lighthouse and Klaus Baudelaire had just stated that he had solved a coded message that Falo had left for them the night before.

But it is my sad duty to report that the worst was not over for them at all because as deadly and depressing as the events that the children had already dealt with during their stay at Lake Lachrymose; it paled in comparison to what would happen shortly afterward whenever they returned to the Anxious Clown anxiously and lost a friend in a terrible fire.

So for the Baudelaires, the worst was yet to come a phrase which here means "If you have any sense at all about you, then you will realize that the continual reading of the tearful chronicles of Violet, Beatrice, Klaus and Sunny will only result in bitter tears and hair loss and quite possibly incarceration at a mental hospital" so I heartily encourage you to cease in your perusal of this book, perhaps in the vain hope of finding a coded message and put it back on the shelf where you might have found it on if someone carelessly thought it was actually something worth reading and step as far away as possible from this volume detailing another unfortunate event that the orphans would have to deal with and go to some other portion of the store, perhaps where ottomans are sold.

"What does the note say, Klaus?" Violet asked her brother as she sat down alongside him and he first read it out loud to them and stated,

"'_Khildren, Iit has come to my attenntion thate everyeone here at thee Anxious Clown ddiner is out toy get us and I hoope that you uunderstand my decision to jolt from the toown of Lakea Lachrrymosed had nothing lo doh withe my desire tto be rregarded aas your guardiann, Falo,'" _

Klaus seemed to be smiling from ear to ear as he turned to his sisters and commented, "Can't you see, it's as plain as the nose on my face."

Klaus used an expression here that is not very plain and also in my opinion is rather overused, so I will not take the time to explain it here or now and will instead mention that Violet stated, "It seems to tell us that he chose to get out of town while the getting was good."

"And abandoned us," Sunny added. "But of course that might seem to be the case, if you look at it the first time," Klaus explained as he frowned, surprised that his siblings didn't understand and stating, "Didn't you notice how many things were misspelled?"

"Now you are starting to sound like Aunt Josephine," Violet said with a smirk, to which her brother replied, "Exactly! This is just like the suicide note that Aunt Josephine left for us at the Wide Window so long ago. I believe that Falo purposely misspelled those words."

"Or he is very illiterate," Sunny pointed out.

"Dr. Sebald did mention that the note was in some type of code," Violet conceded and then turned to Klaus and asked, "How did you manage to break the code?"

"It wasn't easy, I admit," their well-read brother said and then pointed out three words in the note their guardian had hastily created and remarked, "These three words were the key to me unlocking the rest of the message."

"Khildren should be Children and Jolt should be bolt and lo should be to," Violet replied as she skimmed over those words, to which Klaus replied, "Khildren, or rather children; is the only one that doesn't fit in with what I believe is the message that Falo was trying to give us."

"What message do you believe that might be, Klaus?" Sunny wondered.

"Give me a few moments and I try to find out," he suggested. "We may not have that much time," Violet reminded him and added, "Mister Dominic is already on the run with the Medusoid Mycelium and we have to find out where he went to!" "I'm sorry, Violet; but I can only work so fast," Klaus answered as he carefully studied the note that their current guardian had left for them and began to underline what he felt was the coded message until at last he saw satisfied and showed it to his sisters; and the note now looked like this,

"'_Khildren, I__i__t has come to my atten__n__tion that__e __every__e__one here at the Anxious Clown __d__diner is out to__y__ get us and I h__o__ope that you u__u__nderstand my decision to __j__olt from the to__o__wn of Lake__a__ Lachr__r__ymose__d__ had nothing __l__o do__h __with__e __my desire t__t__o be r__r__egarded a__a__s your guardi__i__an__n__, Falo,'" _

and now that he had successfully cracked the code, Klaus seemed rather confused by the message that he had apparently received. "What does it say, Klaus?"

"If I'm correct in my attempts to unlock it, Falo is telling 'I need you to board the train'," the middle Baudelaire replied; to which Sunny and Violet looked at each other in confusion and the eldest Baudelaire remarked, "But why would he want us to do that?"

"And what train is he talking about?" Sunny wondered. "And why do we need to board it?" Klaus thought aloud as he gazed down at the note that Falo had left them and then added, "But if I follow the pattern set here in this message; then that is precisely what Falo is telling us that we need to do."

"But I don't know of any trains around here," Violet remarked.

"And I don't know why we would have to board one," Sunny stated.

"Count Olaf's evil twin must have some reason that he is instructing us to do this, otherwise he wouldn't have left this note for us," Klaus said.

Just then they heard a car approaching and the children realized that Gustav Sebald had returned.

He carried with him several large volumes or books and walked inside the Lavender Lighthouse and placed them on the table in front of the children. The scraggily bearded man looked at the four children and said, "I think the best book I can use to crack this code would be my copy of _Vocabulary Falsification Directory_ by the late I. Anwhistle and it will help me to determine just what message that Falo wanted to tell us."

Gustav opened the book and as he did, Klaus said, "I think I might have solved the code already."

"Nonsense, you are only a child after all and don't understand these codes as well as I do," Gustav said as he took the note from Sunny's hand and began to study it.

"But there are several clues that helped me to figure out how to break it," Klaus objected, wishing that older people wouldn't always treat him like a child especially he was now almost sixteen years of age and had only recently been having a growth spurt. So whenever Gustav Sebald referred to the middle orphan as a mere child, Klaus felt quite offended.

But apparently their new friend was too engrossed in studying the note to even give Klaus a nod and so the teenager sat down alongside Beatrice, Violet and Sunny and tried his hardest not to be angry or antsy with their new friend, a word which here means "Klaus Baudelaire wanted to remind Gustav that they were on a tight schedule and that the adult needed to trust him when it came to the message that Falo had left for them" but resisted this urge and waited patiently until Gustav turned to the children and stated, "I do believe I have determined what Falo was trying to tell us."

Violet, Sunny and Beatrice all turned to their brother and wondered his guess had been correct and Gustav stated, "He needs for you children to board a train."

Klaus smiled slightly and decided not to reveal that he had already guessed this; but both he and his siblings seemed proud of this fact even though they were the only ones that knew it.

"Falo must've left before Sally woke up this morning," Violet concluded.

"Which reminds me, we still need to find your sister," Sunny said to their new friend.

"Quite right, I suppose the best thing to do would be to head to the diner. Sally is probably there," Gustav Sebald explained. "Falo's note makes little sense to us. Does it make any at all to you?" Violet wondered as they got into the back seat of the doctor's car again and he explained, "I believe the reason that he wrote it in code is because he felt that Mister Dominic and your other enemies were close by, just as I chose to use Sebald Code. Although I didn't know at the time that you weren't aware of this code, Falo must've felt you were familiar with the method he used."

"Our Aunt Josephine used it ages ago when Count Olaf was pretending to be Captain Sham so he could woo her and seize our fortune," Klaus recalled.

"Well then, you should've been able to solve that code rather simply then," Gustav noted with a raised eyebrow and none of the children had the courage to point out that they'd said they did so and they remained quiet as their new companion drove thru the town of Lake Lachrymose toward the Anxious Clown.

At the beginning of this chapter, I pointed out to you that for the Baudelaires; the worst was yet to come and although these two chapters would be considerably shorter than the others the events within them would be just as troublesome and dire as though they took many more pages to describe.

I am reminding you of this yet again before Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice arrive at the Anxious Clown diner because I do not want you to believe that simply because the children had decoded Falo's message to them, their luck had turned around but to insist that the worst was yet to come for the Baudelaires; not just in this story but in every story relating to them in the future or in the past or just mentioned briefly in passing.

And since you know that the worst isn't over for the orphans but rather it is about to come, then you should stop reading this story altogether and presume just as a companion of mine once did that nothing whatsoever would happen whenever she returned to the Royal Gardens and yet found them to be nothing more than a dirt mound and she presumed incorrectly just as you have done that the worst was over and that maybe things would improve; but sadly they did not for anyone connected to that awful event and the other terrible events connected to it or my quest for answers in the mystery that is life.

It would be far wiser for you to presume that the worst was yet to come and it would be wise for you to do so for as their driver turned onto Sour Street; he remarked, "The lights to the Anxious Clown appear to be brighter than usual today."

But as they approached, everyone in the car immediately realized that it wasn't the neon lights of the diner that were so bright; but rather what was engulfing the establishment. The car came to a stop and Gustav looked in disbelief as did the children, for the entire structure was covered in flames and the scraggily bearded man stepped out of the car and looked at what had happened to the establishment and then came to another dangerous and deadly revelation and it became abundantly clear how the worst was yet to come for the children as Gustav Sebald exclaimed,

"I think Sally is inside! Children, we've got to rescue her!" And that is why, dear reader; that the worst was yet to come.

P.s. Beatrice, I need you to leave where you are and go where I am.

_**The worst is the last for the Baudelaires! stay tuned for the shocking finale! read and review please!**_


	14. Thirteen

_**Thirteen**_

The tables had turned for the Baudelaires drastically since they'd first arrived at Lake Lachrymose along with Falo onboard the Fickle Ferry, which to the children seemed like such a long time ago.

During their stay at the Lavender Lighthouse; Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice had witnessed several terrible events including the arrival of the dangerous judges from the High Court, the destruction of the sugar bowl and the theft of the last spores of the Medusoid Mycelium from Anwhistle Aquatics by Mister Dominic.

But now they were in front of the Anxious Clown, the diner that Sally Sebald owned along with her brother, Gustav Sebald whom they had only recently met at the abandoned research station and the café they'd worked in for a few days was up in flames.

Off in the distance, the storm that the young hostess had warned them seemed to be drawing ever closer; but the children weren't concerned about it in the slightest because it might douse the flames although this wasn't the case. "Mister Dominic must've caused this fire whenever he returned with the Medusoid Mycelium," Klaus guessed. "

None of that matters, children; weren't you listening to me? My dear sister Sally is trapped inside that dastardly diner," Gustav declared and he hadn't stopped rushing back and forth in front of the car since they'd first arrived.

"We should call the fire department," Sunny decided. "I can tend to that, there is a phone booth nearby," Gustav declared and then rushed off and the children felt that the tables had once again been turned because it was now apparent that the task of rescuing Sally was going to have to fall upon them, since her brother was too cowardly to do it.

The four siblings might've thought about the two previous fires which Mister Dominic had caused and they had become caught in, the first being whenever their dangerous adversary had locked them inside a school bus at the Very Fine Dwelling and then set ablaze the rest of the structure so that no noble volunteers would escape and the second had occurred only recently whenever the Baudelaires had been at the Ned H. Rirger Theater working as attendants for Falo and failing to stop Mister Dominic in his wicked scheme to convict both them and V.F.D., but in both of those instances; the Baudelaire orphans had been hopelessly trapped somewhere whenever the fire had begun to spread not outside watching as it did so.

So whenever Gustav rushed to the pay phone nearby to call the volunteer fire department; Klaus, Sunny, Beatrice and Violet all realized that saving Sally, Gustav's sister; was their top priority and this time they would have to go into the inferno rather than come out of it. I cannot begin to tell you how brave and courageous this was on the part of the children; because they were probably very nervous about entering the blaze, especially whenever they thought about all of the fires they had managed to escape from.

If you have ever seen a house catch on fire or have been part of a secret organization that was originally content with simply making the world a quieter place; then you recognize that the most foolish thing for you to do would be for you to rush headfirst into the towering flames even if it did mean you were trying to rescue a fellow associate.

In fact, it would far better to stay far away from the fire altogether and perhaps take up some safer activity such as badminton or catering cocktail parties. So whenever Violet proclaimed, "We have to save Sally before the fire engulfs the entire diner."

this didn't mean that the eldest of the Baudelaires was particularly interested in heading into the raging fire, but rather was trying to instill confidence in her siblings so that they would not become frightened at the task that lay in front of them. Klaus however had clearly considered how dangerous this was and remarked, "We might not make it out alive."

And Sunny, who still had fresh memories of the fires they'd survived in the Hotel Denouement and the Caligari Carnival; stated, "Maybe we should wait for the fire department along with Dr. Sebald."

"Sally might perish by the time they get here, the closest division is for miles; so it will take at least half an hour for the volunteer fire department to arrive!" Violet argued and then glared at all of her siblings and said, "I can't believe you would rather act like cowards!" Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice all felt ashamed at hearing this and the middle Baudelaire said, "You're right, we're just scared because of all the fires we've had to escape from… we're not used to going into one."

"We can't all go inside, though," Sunny said in concern as she held her adoptive sister close to her and explained, "Beatrice's lungs could fill with smoke much more easily than ours and it would be deadly to her."

"I understand," Violet said, not feeling resentful that her younger sister was choosing to stay outside and recognizing that Sunny was right about Beatrice; so she turned to Klaus and remarked, "It's up to us, then!" Her brother didn't say a word as they approached the door of the Anxious Clown and the two children ducked thru the hole that Mister Dominic had made earlier. The smoke-filled diner was so destroyed already that Klaus immediately felt their chances of finding Sally Sebald alive were quite slim, but Violet tied her hair up in a bow; something she did frequently whenever she was thinking of some solution to a problem and got tablecloths to cover both her and Klaus' mouth so they wouldn't inhale any smoke.

The fire that Mister Dominic had apparently started originated in the kitchen of the dismal diner and Klaus carefully began to crawl beneath the shroud of black smoke that covered the Anxious Clown. Violet followed after her brother, checking under every table and booth to make certain that Sally wasn't lying injured somewhere unbeknownst to them.

As they arrived at the kitchen, Klaus noticed that the Visually False Distraction was back in place; blocking escape for themselves thru the secret passageway they'd come across earlier and knew that if they did find Sally they would have to run thru the fiery diner with all their might. Klaus was looking about the kitchen while Violet looked inside the freezer whenever the middle Baudelaire had a thought and went to the secret cache that the children had found.

"Maybe Mister Dominic hid her in here?" the well-read orphan guessed as he yelled over the flames and the crackle of thunder from outside the cafe. Portions of the roof had begun to split apart as Violet came to his side and kept as close to her brother as possible. Some of the Baudelaires' clothes were already being singed by the approaching flames as Klaus stood on his older sister's shoulders and pulled the lever that opened the sliding wall to the secret chamber.

On the other side, much to their relief they found Sally Sebald; bound and gagged and also unconscious. "Do you think we can make it back outside carrying her?" Violet asked.

"We didn't come this far just to give up," her brother reminded her and then the two older Baudelaires carefully began to lift the captured Sebald on each side. Sally stirred silently, which meant that she was still alive for the time being and Klaus and Violet knew that they had to hurry to get out of the Anxious Clown before the entire diner collapsed.

With what strength they had left, the two orphans pulled Sally out of the kitchen and narrowly avoided the flames that were growing larger and with what strength they never thought they would possess I am proud to say that the two orphans managed to completely pick up Miss Sebald and run out of the diner to the street outside where Sunny and Beatrice waited anxiously.

"Quickly, get her untied!" Klaus declared as he looked back at the destroyed diner they had just escaped from and realized that all of the secrets they'd hoped to find within it were now just as gone as it was. The middle Baudelaire thought he saw Larry, the orphans' co-worker escaping thru some window; but Klaus figured it might've been his imagination and then turned toward Sally Sebald who was still very unconscious.

"Sunny, do you have any water?" Violet asked. Beatrice offered the bottle she frequently used and the eldest Baudelaire gave their friend the needed liquid so that Sally began to cough and her eyes opened slowly.

"Baudelaires…" the young hostess of the Anxious Clown remarked in a soft voice and Violet stated, "Hush, don't talk. You're safe with us now, anyway. The volunteer fire department will come and stop this inferno and then together we can stop Mister Dominic."

Sally shook her head negatively and attempted to say something else, but coughed hoarsely instead. Finally, after doing so for about a minute; Sally Sebald declared, "The tables have turned, children… wickedness is winning again. I don't…"

Their friend gasped for breath as she tried to say something and then Klaus said, "Please save your strength. Gustav and V.F.D. will be here soon." "There is no time, your nemesis… he infected me with the Medusoid Mycelium," Sally Sebald explained at which all of the children gasped in horror and realized how thoroughly defeated they were.

They recalled that if the Medusoid Mycelium wasn't treated within an hour by counteracting it with horseradish, or its Japanese equivalent; wasabi; that the person infected with it would die. And the hour apparently for Sally was almost up, because she was having the hardest time speaking already.

"I wanted to apologize, Baudelaires," the young blond said as she gripped Violet's hand and declared, "You were very noble volunteers and tried hard to stop Mister Dominic."

"But we failed," Klaus pointed out. Sally shook her head and replied, "It doesn't matter. I'm sorry I ever doubted you." "We're sorry that we failed V.F.D.," Sunny tried to tell their comrade; but it was apparently too late.

For even though Klaus and Violet had succeeded in courageously rescuing the hostess from the dilapidating diner, now Mister Dominic had once again proven how ruthless he was in poisoning Sally with the Medusoid Mycelium.

"Your father, Bertand…he wanted me to…" Sally began hoarsely and then seemed to say something else that they couldn't quite understand, then Violet checked her pulse and realized that Gustav's sister was now gone forever.

Even though the hostess of the Anxious Clown had been rude to the children during their stay at her diner and even though she hadn't trusted them whenever they'd come to the Lavender Lighthouse and even though the young blond had given them a long list of impossible chores to take care of; Klaus, Beatrice, Sunny and Violet all wept over the loss of Sally Sebald.

Or perhaps they cried for all of the terrible things that had occurred during their stay at the dastardly diner, a word which here means "the place that was burning wildly and wouldn't ever serve any atrocious meals to patrons from the town of Lake Lachrymose again" and the Baudelaires felt like complete failures.

Sunny might've considered what a horrible job she had done trying to figure out why the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard had been at the café and Klaus might've thought about how uselessly they had looked for the sugar bowl only to have Mister Dominic shatter in to pieces right in front of them and Violet no doubt realized how foolish she had been to trust their adversary and obtain the diving equipment which had allowed them access to Anwhistle Aquatics but also had allowed the children's' nemesis the chance to steal the last remnants of the Medusoid Mycelium, which normally only grew under rare circumstances.

But it didn't matter anymore now that Sally had died and as I forewarned you in the previous chapter had you thought the worst was yet to come for the children; I'm sure you now find yourself weeping miserably just as I am doing so as I pen these words and recall how young and confused you must've been, Beatrice.

As the children sat there on the side of the road, the first thing that broke the silence was the sound of a loud alarm blaring thru the streets of Lake Lachrymose and Klaus looked up to see the fire trucks arriving to stop the inferno that was devouring the Anxious Clown. It is here that I am glad to report that they failed to save the atrocious diner which I never much enjoyed eating at, even though quite a few other volunteers and bankers did sup there frequently.

Yes, the fire trucks did arrive to put out the fire; but the damage to the establishment had already been so thorough that everyone knew it would never run again and the children recognized that Lake Lachrymose itself might shrivel up and disappear now that the only restaurant in town was gone forever and Sunny wondered if that had been part of Mister Dominic's dangerous scheme all along.

As the firefighters continued to battle the roaring flames, Gustav jumped off of one of the trucks and rushed to the side of the Baudelaires and looked down at his now deceased sister.

"My dear, Sally; no," he said, sobbing bitterly and laying his head against her. Violet and her younger siblings gave the man room to grieve as they watched the volunteer fire department fight the fire and Klaus commented, "We failed to discover the meaning of ERT."

"Or what was in the sugar bowl," Sunny added.

"Or what Mister Dominic and those evil enemies from the High Court are really after," Violet stated.

"And Falo has told us to board a train and we have no idea where to go from here," the middle Baudelaire stated. "Maybe this is as far as we can go?" Sunny asked and then added, "If my guess is right, the authorities will presume we were behind this madness and probably think we murdered Sally."

"If the writers at _The Daily Punctilio_ have anything to say about it, we will surely be blamed," Violet agreed sadly.

Dr. Sebald rose from where he had been grieving over his sister and went to speak to the head of the fire department. "Bruce!" he called out to the fire chief and the Baudelaires waited as their friend conversed with them, each realizing that Sunny's suspicion regarding them being viewed as murderers would probably fit in perfectly with Mister Dominic's sinister plot; whatever that might be.

Gustav finished speaking to the man in charge of the volunteer fire department and then approached the children, wearing a very somber expression on his face.

"We're so sorry, Gustav," Klaus lamented. "It wasn't your fault at all, Baudelaires; but rather Dominic's. I'm sure he did it as one last slight against me and Ike and Gregor," Dr. Sebald declared as he took off his glasses and rubbed them slowly before commenting, "I think it is time for us to part ways, however. You four will need to leave before the authorities arrive and jumble up this mess further."

The children looked at each other in confusion and then the oldest remarked, "But Falo has already left and we have no idea where to go to next!"

"Didn't you properly decipher the message he sent you?" Gustav asked. "Well, yes of course…" Klaus began, to which the speech pathologist declared, "Then you know that you have to board the train and make it to the rendezvous in time!" He opened up his lab coat and took out four small items that he'd been holding onto for quite some time and said, "I knew that there was a reason he gave these to me before he left… and now I realize that I must give them to you children."

Violet took them and declared, "These are train tickets!"

"Falo gave these to you?" Sunny asked in surprise.

"Oh no, of course not; don't be absurd. But I have a feeling your guardian knew about them and that is why he told you to board the train," Gustav explained.

"One of these tickets is addressed to you," Klaus pointed out, to which the doctor replied, "Yes, I think he wanted to have me travel with you to the rendezvous; but wasn't aware that there were four of you now instead of just three. Does he know who you are, Beatrice?" The children all looked at one another in puzzlement and Klaus asked, "Someone arranged to buy these for us? But who would do something like that?"

"Why, the very same person who hid the sugar bowl with that map; I'm sure. Although I have no idea why the figurine was no longer inside it; there is a clear reason why the switch was made," Gustav Sebald declared.

"I thought Sally had hidden it?" Sunny muttered. "And how did Falo know that it was there?" Klaus asked. "Who was the person who bought us these train tickets, Dr. Sebald?" Violet asked, which was the most sensible question of all; to which he smiled and explained, "I think you children have heard about him once or twice… his name is Lemony."

The four siblings gasped in surprise at hearing this name and the doctor frowned and asked, "So you do know of his connection to…" he paused as if remembering something very important and whenever he did this; Klaus said, "Until recently we had presumed that he was dead."

"As had every other member of our organization," Gustav agreed. Violet pulled out the piece of paper that the former troupe member of Count Olaf had given to her during the fire that swept thru the Ned H. Rirger Theater and showed it to Gustav and he read it.

_**Find lemony**_

was all that the powder-faced woman had had time to quickly write down before the fire had consumed the old theater and killed her. Gustav nodded and said, "I always suspected that members of Olaf's troupe were actually spies for V.F.D. This confirms that theory."

"So he is alive?" Sunny asked. "Yes, very much so," Gustav declared and then noted that the fire trucks were now driving away and said, "But you need to get to the train station right away children. There is no time for talking right now. I'll meet you at the rendezvous as well." Before they got a chance to ask him the myriad questions that they still had, Gustav jumped onto the back of one of the fire trucks and declared, "Beatrice can use my train ticket!"

The four orphans stood there in the street for a moment longer, each coming to terms with this latest bit of information that they had learned and also feeling the first drops of rain and I'm sure you realize by now that the tables have turned for the Baudelaires once again. Not only had Mister Dominic and his vile cohorts succeeded in stealing the Medusoid Mycelium, but also Sally Sebald was now very much dead and apparently the mysterious Lemony who had some connection to their murky past was very much alive.

But also the tables had turned because for the first time in quite a while, the children realized again that the world was so full of mystery and corruption and secrets that it might take a lifetime for them to answer and stop and decode every single one of them just as I have spent my time doing chronicling these unfortunate events.

And perhaps most importantly of all, the Baudelaires realized that the old saying "you are what you eat" fit the scenario they were now in because throughout their time at the now devastated diner they had never obtained a fair meal and were even more miserable than before and quite alone and they would remain that way for quite some time to come.


	15. To My Kind Editor

**IN-FINITE EXPRESS**

"_**GETTING YOU FROM HERE TO THERE WITHOUT THE MESS"**_

To my kind editor,

Please excuse the concise lettering of

This ticket. I wrote on the back of it in an effort to make my enemies presume it was an ordinary ticket.

However you will find along with this ticket; Beatrice's boarding pass, some missing luggage and a compass that helped the Baudelaires thru their fourth adventure; entitled, THE JARRING JOURNEY.

Head to the train station and look under the 4th train track on the 14th Spur when it is a Saturday and you will find this manuscript.

Please hurry

I fear my enemies are close at hand.

Remember, you are my last hope,

l. s.

**more is in store for the orphans! stay tuned for my next installment! read and review please!**


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